Rantings

Music in the Soul

For those of you who may not know, I’ve been an avid fan of Linkin Park since my youth. I might not have been absolutely insane about them like a lot of my friends, but I’ve held their music close. Even the new stuff that a lot of people didn’t like I enjoyed. With the death of Chester Bennington, I felt a profound sense of loss. I never met him, I was never able to make it to a concert, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel some connection with him and the rest of the band through the music they made.

I found this beautiful mashup today by Kurt Hugo Schneider. It’s haunting and wonderful. I almost cried listening to it. If you are a fan and are feeling loss right now, I encourage you to listen to it.

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12 Months is a Long Time

And I’m already losing my mind about it.

For those of you who don’t know, my husband has been attending college for the last two years after releasing from the military. These last two years have been a struggle, both financially and emotionally for a variety of reasons.

Finally, it appears as though there is light at the end of the tunnel! On August 1st he starts a job with a really good company as a work experience student! Provided he passes the placement (which he should) and gets hired on in November, the company offers really good benefits, competitive wages and a whole host of other awesomeness.

Ah, now Sarah, where’s the catch? You all know me so well.

Of course, things can’t be that smooth. The major catch is that this amazing job is in another city approximately 2.5 hours away from where we currently live. This isn’t a commuting kind of deal.

He’s found a room to rent, sadly with strangers because we just couldn’t find someone through a mutual friend, and he’ll try to come home on weekends. We will not be able to relocate to this place for at least a year due to educational commitments on my end and with our son attending programs to help with his behavioural issues.

So this means, for the next 12 months (at least), I will be carrying the emotional burden of a single parent. Yes, I will be receiving his income, but all of the day-to-day duties will fall upon my shoulders.

Needless to say, my friends, I am going to be stressed to shit for the next year. I’ve already been less than sympathetic and understanding to others lately and people really shouldn’t expect that to change. Simply put: I have too much shit going on to care.

At this point, all I can do is hope that my boys are able to cope with their missing father as best as they can. That the fights, the yelling and the taunting each other diminishes at least a bit. I’ve got a lot of shows queued up on Netflix, I’ve got some video games to play and I’ve got the desk ready for my homework. I’ve got some workout exercises ready to go because I’m going to have far too much time.

Unless you’re my wife or my sister, don’t expect me to have too much time for you. The only real exception is my son’s former JK teacher.

I haven’t even been able to write on here as frequently as I wanted, although that’s a whole new ball of wax.

Who knows? Perhaps I will have more time to write on here because I’m just so goddamn efficient at getting everything else done.

I can be pretty amazing.

Just sit back, world, and watch me rock this show.

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Hard Times – Paramore

 

All that I want
Is to wake up fine
Tell me that I’m alright
That I ain’t gonna die
All that I want
Is a hole in the ground
You can tell me when it’s alright
For me to come out

gonna make you wonder why you even try
(Hard times) gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
(These lives) and I still don’t know how I even survive
(Hard times)
(Hard times)
And I gotta get to rock bottom

Walking around
My little rain cloud
Hanging over my head
And it ain’t coming down
Where do I go?
Gimme some sort of sign
You hit me with lightning!
Maybe I’ll come alive

gonna make you wonder why you even try
(Hard times) gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
(These lives) and I still don’t know how I even survive
(Hard times)
(Hard times)
And I gotta head to rock bottom

Tell my friends I’m coming down
We’ll kick it when I hit the ground
Tell my friends I’m coming down
We’ll kick it when I hit the ground
When I hit the ground
When I hit the ground
When I hit the ground
When I hit the ground

gonna make you wonder why you even try
(Hard times) gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
(These lives) and I still don’t know how I even survive
(Hard times) (hard times)
(Hard times) (hard times)

gonna make you wonder why you even try
(Hard times) gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
(These lives) and I still don’t know how I even survive
(Hard times) (hard times)
(Hard times)

And I gotta get to rock bottom!

-Lyrics from Google Play Music

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Heavy – Linkin Park Ft. Kiiara

[Verse 1: Chester Bennington]
I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

[Chorus: Chester Bennington & Kiiara]
I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

[Verse 2: Kiiara]
You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

 – Lyrics from Genius

 

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Born From a Tree, Like Most Nuts

Children just keep getting older. And with that age comes more questions. Some of the questions are difficult to answer, like my son asking me about my parents.

He’s going to be seven in 3 months. It’s only natural that after being exposed to his grandparents on his father’s side and the other family on that side that he’d wonder about mine. He’s asked before, but I’ve managed to successfully dodge answering it.

Simply telling him that I do not have parents seems to have worked so far. He asks about my grandparents and to that question I will reply. But I have no parents.

No parents worth talking about.

Why tell my young child about the man who comes in and out of my life like a ghost? The one who I have made the decision to disconnect from because it caused me too much heartache to watch him father other children? He has not been a father to me for longer than he has been a father. He has a new family now and I want to be happy for him and support him. I fear that my constant need for validation would only cause him pain, so to him I have bid good-bye.

Why tell him about the woman who teeters dangerously on the edge of sanity? The woman who had been a great mother until something inside her snapped and everything disintegrated around us? This is not a person who would be a good role model for him: she has nothing to teach him. From her mouth spew lies and suffering. I will not subject him to that.

So I tell my child that I was born from a tree, like most nuts. He’s too young to quite understand how that is funny but it seems to satisfy him when he asks.

I want to tell him of my family; of his heritage. How his great-grandparents grew up in British ruled India and went to boarding school. How we are Anglo-Indian and that’s why we look so white. Of the reason his mother loves rice and parathas. How his grandparents flew from India to England, and then took a boat from England to Canada. How his great-grandparents on the paternal side of me weren’t really in the picture, but seemed to have an awkward kindness about them. How disconnected I have always been from that side of my life. How he has an uncle who would probably spoil him to pieces although that uncle probably doesn’t even know he exists because of poor decisions on everyone’s part.

These things I can tell him once he grows; once he is ready to listen and perhaps understand.

grow

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Changes Keep On Rolling

I am not a confident person.

I am constantly looking for validation for my existence: for me to be where I am. I have lived a life where my existence was not wanted by those who should want it. By those who worked to create it.

And so I was denied.

Because I lack confidence I don’t do too much to stand out. I think my loud voice and over-boisterous behaviour tries to compensate for the fact that I am small inside.

I have recently made a big change to my hair. This may seem like a small, trivial thing to some. For me, it is a big deal. It’s not complete quite yet, as there is still another colour treatment to go through, but it is still far different than anything I have done in a very, very long time. I’m talking at least a decade.

So I’m a bit nervous and excited all in one to have it done. It’s not something I can really hide, like my tattoos. It’s out there and it’s what people will recognize me by.

This proves to be an interesting time. The true challenge lies in how long I will keep it up until I just colour it back to brown and go about like I always do.

For now, I will take solace in the fact that the biggest reaction I received was the BSP saying, quite loudly mind you, “Who ARE you?!”

That’s a winning reaction 🙂

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 1 comment

#BellLetsTalk

Today’s post is in honour of Bell’s Let’s Talk initiative they have here in Canada. For today, January 25, 2017, Bell will donate ¢5 for every tweet and retweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk to mental health initiatives. This is a big deal for a lot of people and it helps open the dialogue about mental health. My post today is going to focus on that, but I don’t want people to feel like they’re reading something they’re not ready for, or don’t want. So keep reading if you want, but I won’t be offended if you don’t.

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Working out, nerd-style

This weekend had me a little down in the dumps. If you follow me on Twitter you may have noticed my strange narrative as I navigated the mall in my small town to buy pants.

Here’s some back story:

I wear the same two pairs of pants in rotation all the time. I will sometimes wear leggings and in the summer I have different pants and dresses I will wear. I live in Canada, where it’s freaking cold the majority of the time.

I had groceries to buy and my usual pants were both in the bin for washing.

Both. Of. Them.

Since it’s January, no matter how unseasonably warm it’s been, I needed to find another pair of pants to wear to the store. I have sweatpants but I’ve been trying really hard not to look like a bum when I go out. I more than often run into someone I know, someone I used to teach or people I work with at the store. So I didn’t want to look like a total slob.

I looked in my closet and found a pair of jeans I didn’t even know I had.

They did not fit.

I’m talking like, I couldn’t get them passed my thighs didn’t fit.

So I threw those in the ever-growing pile of clothes to be donated.

I found another pair and tried them on. Same result. Tossed.

Then I found 2 pairs of jeans my dayhome lady had given me. Now, these I could get past my thighs, but I could not do up the button.

Tossed.

Now I’m in a pickle. All I have left are dress pants.

I found a pair, put them on, and they fit just enough that I could go to the store and buy food for my family.

After I got home my husband had to take our dog to a lesson (she’s developing bad habits) and was home in time for lunch. Since I’m in a crappy mood from not fitting pants he tells me to go shopping.

So I shower, throw on a pair of leggings, and off I go!

In the end I successfully found 2 pairs of pants and quite a few shirts to make me happy. I had to call my shopping trip short because my husband texted me that he wasn’t feeling well. He ended up throwing up for the rest of the day.

But I found clothes!

Now I’m trying to kick my ass to work out more. It’s not like I am not thin, because I know I am. But I am not satisfied with the love handles and the pouch where my gut is.

Just now I downloaded two apps: Burn Your Fat With Me For Girls and 30 Day Fitness Challenge.

The first one is a fitness/dating sim type app using a character drawn in the anime style. It’s totally in English so I am excited to try this one! The other one I plan to start on Feb 1st and kick my ass. I just downloaded them so I’m not exactly sure how they’ll work. It’s a start. I also need to stop eating potato chips like Armageddon is coming but baby steps, right?

hqdefault

Hello Good-Looking 2D boy! 

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Bye-bye Assholes

So I’ve changed a few things on the site. Not really, but some. Just some small text that most people probably didn’t even know existed.

Since I’ve changed my hosting I haven’t been receiving any harassing comments! I don’t know if this is because these people are just tired and bored and moved on to something more exciting that tearing down my very existence, or if they just haven’t checked what I’m up to. Which is fine by me.

Things were getting pretty bad there for a bit in the Summer/Fall. I’ve been under quite a bit of stress due to school and family matters. It was nice to get a reprieve from assholes, even if it was just for a bit. Now that I’ve typed this I know they’re going to come back and harass me. Part of me wants them to. Like, fuck you, go ahead. Bring it on! But then I remember how awful I feel about myself after they do and realize how fragile I am and I don’t want them to bug me.

Stop

Like, I’m a delicate, effing flower, okay? Just stop stomping the shit out of me already! I don’t even know why you get such fun and glee out of this.

And then I’m reminded of all my failings and short-coming and it makes me go crazy!

Drastic Shift In Conversation

This weekend we’ve got an interview with a potential babysitter and I’ve got two others lined up. Because I like going out with my husband without the kids. Because I have tickets to a concert and he wants to come since my friend bailed. Because we just deserve a damn break. So I have to interview strangers. That’s what happens when you live in a small town that thinks it’s a big town and you don’t know anyone.

Hopefully it works out because BREAK TIME!

Now I’ve got to do some homework for my statistics class and try not to cry too hard because: STATS is SATAN.

via GIPHY

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The Unchanging Face

So I have moved my site over to Reclaim Hosting. It looks exactly the same because the people there are awesome.

The look will be the same, for now, while I explore everything I can do.

In the meantime, you’ll want to update your bookmarks for my site. It’s changed from sarahjaynenantais.com to sarahjaynenantais.ca. If you’ve been following the .com site, it will redirect to the .ca site for the next year I believe.

All my lovely followers should have migrated with me to the new hosting platform. I hope I didn’t lose anyone!

I’ll write another, real, post later on. Just wanted to give everyone an update of what’s happened in the last few days.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments