Born From a Tree, Like Most Nuts

Children just keep getting older. And with that age comes more questions. Some of the questions are difficult to answer, like my son asking me about my parents.

He’s going to be seven in 3 months. It’s only natural that after being exposed to his grandparents on his father’s side and the other family on that side that he’d wonder about mine. He’s asked before, but I’ve managed to successfully dodge answering it.

Simply telling him that I do not have parents seems to have worked so far. He asks about my grandparents and to that question I will reply. But I have no parents.

No parents worth talking about.

Why tell my young child about the man who comes in and out of my life like a ghost? The one who I have made the decision to disconnect from because it caused me too much heartache to watch him father other children? He has not been a father to me for longer than he has been a father. He has a new family now and I want to be happy for him and support him. I fear that my constant need for validation would only cause him pain, so to him I have bid good-bye.

Why tell him about the woman who teeters dangerously on the edge of sanity? The woman who had been a great mother until something inside her snapped and everything disintegrated around us? This is not a person who would be a good role model for him: she has nothing to teach him. From her mouth spew lies and suffering. I will not subject him to that.

So I tell my child that I was born from a tree, like most nuts. He’s too young to quite understand how that is funny but it seems to satisfy him when he asks.

I want to tell him of my family; of his heritage. How his great-grandparents grew up in British ruled India and went to boarding school. How we are Anglo-Indian and that’s why we look so white. Of the reason his mother loves rice and parathas. How his grandparents flew from India to England, and then took a boat from England to Canada. How his great-grandparents on the paternal side of me weren’t really in the picture, but seemed to have an awkward kindness about them. How disconnected I have always been from that side of my life. How he has an uncle who would probably spoil him to pieces although that uncle probably doesn’t even know he exists because of poor decisions on everyone’s part.

These things I can tell him once he grows; once he is ready to listen and perhaps understand.

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Changes Keep On Rolling

I am not a confident person.

I am constantly looking for validation for my existence: for me to be where I am. I have lived a life where my existence was not wanted by those who should want it. By those who worked to create it.

And so I was denied.

Because I lack confidence I don’t do too much to stand out. I think my loud voice and over-boisterous behaviour tries to compensate for the fact that I am small inside.

I have recently made a big change to my hair. This may seem like a small, trivial thing to some. For me, it is a big deal. It’s not complete quite yet, as there is still another colour treatment to go through, but it is still far different than anything I have done in a very, very long time. I’m talking at least a decade.

So I’m a bit nervous and excited all in one to have it done. It’s not something I can really hide, like my tattoos. It’s out there and it’s what people will recognize me by.

This proves to be an interesting time. The true challenge lies in how long I will keep it up until I just colour it back to brown and go about like I always do.

For now, I will take solace in the fact that the biggest reaction I received was the BSP saying, quite loudly mind you, “Who ARE you?!”

That’s a winning reaction šŸ™‚

#BellLetsTalk

Today’s post is in honour of Bell’s Let’s Talk initiative they have here in Canada. For today, January 25, 2017, Bell will donateĀ Ā¢5 for every tweet and retweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk to mental health initiatives. This is a big deal for a lot of people and it helps open the dialogue about mental health. My post today is going to focus on that, but I don’t want people to feel like they’re reading something they’re not ready for, or don’t want. So keep reading if you want, but I won’t be offended if you don’t.

Working out, nerd-style

This weekend had me a little down in the dumps. If you follow me on Twitter you may have noticed my strange narrative as I navigated the mall in my small town to buy pants.

Here’s some back story:

I wear the same two pairs of pants in rotationĀ all the time.Ā I will sometimes wear leggings and in the summer I have different pants and dresses I will wear. I live in Canada, where it’s freaking cold the majority of the time.

I had groceries to buy and my usual pants wereĀ both in the bin for washing.

Both. Of. Them.

Since it’s January, no matter how unseasonably warm it’s been, I needed to find another pair of pants to wear to the store. I have sweatpants but I’ve been trying really hard not to look like a bum when I go out. I more than often run into someone I know, someone I used to teach or people I work with at the store. So I didn’t want to look like a total slob.

I looked in my closet and found a pair of jeans I didn’t even know I had.

They did not fit.

I’m talking like, I couldn’t get them passed my thighs didn’t fit.

So I threw those in the ever-growing pile of clothes to be donated.

I found another pair and tried them on. Same result. Tossed.

Then I found 2 pairs of jeans my dayhome lady had given me. Now, these I could get past my thighs, but I could not do up the button.

Tossed.

Now I’m in a pickle. All I have left are dress pants.

I found a pair, put them on, and they fitĀ just enough that I could go to the store and buy food for my family.

After I got home my husband had to take our dog to a lesson (she’s developing bad habits) and was home in time for lunch. Since I’m in a crappy mood from not fitting pants he tells me to go shopping.

So I shower, throw on a pair of leggings, and off I go!

In the end I successfully found 2 pairs of pants and quite a few shirts to make me happy. I had to call my shopping trip short because my husband texted me that he wasn’t feeling well. He ended up throwing up for the rest of the day.

But I found clothes!

Now I’m trying to kick my ass to work out more. It’s not like I am not thin, because I know I am. But I am not satisfied with the love handles and the pouch where my gut is.

Just now I downloaded two apps: Burn Your Fat With Me For Girls and 30 Day Fitness Challenge.

The first one is a fitness/dating sim type app using a character drawn in the anime style. It’s totally in English so I am excited to try this one! The other one I plan to start on Feb 1st and kick my ass. I just downloaded them so I’m not exactly sure how they’ll work. It’s a start. I also need to stop eating potato chips like Armageddon is coming but baby steps, right?

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Hello Good-Looking 2D boy!Ā 

Bye-bye Assholes

So I’ve changed a few things on the site. Not really, but some. Just some small text that most people probably didn’t even know existed.

Since I’ve changed my hosting I haven’t been receiving any harassing comments! I don’t know if this is because these people are just tired and bored and moved on to something more exciting that tearing down my very existence, or if they just haven’t checked what I’m up to. Which is fine by me.

Things were getting pretty bad there for a bit in the Summer/Fall. I’ve been under quite a bit of stress due to school and family matters. It was nice to get a reprieve from assholes, even if it was just for a bit. Now that I’ve typed this I know they’re going to come back and harass me. Part of me wants them to. Like, fuck you, go ahead. Bring it on! But then I remember how awful I feel about myself after they do and realize how fragile I am and I don’t want them to bug me.

Stop

Like, I’m a delicate, effing flower, okay? Just stop stomping the shit out of me already! I don’t even know why you get such fun and glee out of this.

And then I’m reminded of all my failings and short-coming and it makes me go crazy!

Drastic Shift In Conversation

This weekend we’ve got an interview with a potential babysitter and I’ve got two others lined up. Because I like going out with my husband without the kids. Because I have tickets to a concert and he wants to come since my friend bailed. Because we just deserve a damn break. So I have to interview strangers. That’s what happens when you live in a small town that thinks it’s a big town and you don’t know anyone.

Hopefully it works out because BREAK TIME!

Now I’ve got to do some homework for my statistics class and try not to cry too hard because: STATS is SATAN.

via GIPHY

The Unchanging Face

So I have moved my site over to Reclaim Hosting. It looks exactly the same because the people there areĀ awesome.

The look will be the same, for now, while I explore everything I can do.

In the meantime, you’ll want to update your bookmarks for my site. It’s changed from sarahjaynenantais.com to sarahjaynenantais.ca. If you’ve been following the .com site, it will redirect to the .ca site for the next year I believe.

All my lovely followers should have migrated with me to the new hosting platform. I hope I didn’t lose anyone!

I’ll write another, real, post later on. Just wanted to give everyone an update of what’s happened in the last few days.

Everything is Blue

I’m so apathetic today. Which apparently is making me wittier than normal.

This won’t be a long post becauseĀ apathy and the fact that I just can’t think of anything of value to write.

I am considering getting my own hosting service and moving the site. Not sure how that will affect things, but I’m just investigating at this time. If anyone has any experiences with their own hosting and how it works when you’ve started as a WordPress hosted site, I would be interested in hearing from you! Either hit me up in the comments or contact me via email.

I hope everyone has had a good holiday season and aren’t feeling overwhelmed with being back to work! There’s a lot going on in my neck of the woods that I’ll sort out in another post.

On a side note, I’m taking a stats for education class and I hate IBM SPSS 24. I mostly hate it because I am illiterate with programs like this and want to throw things out the window. Someone want to do my homework for me? Please? No?Ā Bastards.

It’s my bestfriends birthday today and I just sang to her on the phone. She lives a few provinces away so I couldn’t sing to her face. She’s complaining (lightly) that she’s old because she turned 30. As someone who is turning 34 this year, I laugh at her.

As she is a cat-person, I post this photo in her honour:

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Shitty Days

When shitty days attack it’s like being run over by a transport truck.

As your body flies through the air it’s captured by a pissed off tiger.

This tiger decides to maul you until everything about you is red.

And then it rains.

But instead of relief you’re struck by lightning fifteen-thousand times.

Aaaand then frozen. Just for kicks.

Fuck you, Today. I don’t wanna be friends any more.

Miniscule Update

I have beenĀ so AWOL lately. Ā It’s been like, what? 2 months since I posted anything?

I wish this could be a longer post, but it can’t right now. Maybe later.

Like most of you, I’ve had a lot of things going on both personally and scholastically. Most of it is sorted out and I hope to be back to writing more often when the dust of Christmas settles.

I hope everyone is doing well and I look forward to catching up with everything you’ve been writing in the past few months!

Have a Jack Skellington to tide you over šŸ˜€

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