Everyone knows the phrase that there is always someone better at something than you are.
I knew that phrase. I had it ingrained in my body and mind for a long time.
Somehow, at some point, I forgot it also applied to me.
I was horribly humiliated with my pride being crushed by those who were better at certain things than I was, and those people were younger than me.
I had held on to these miniscule items and used them to define my identity.
“She’s very good at [THING]“
“She knows a lot about [OTHER THING]“
It’s not the end of the world, finding out that you aren’t the best at [THING].
The crushed pride was always internal. I didn’t let on that I had been decimated in such a fashion.
Because really, it was my own doing.
But being destroyed like that caused me to stop.
To pause.
To think.
What the hell am I actually good at? What do I want to be good at? What do I want to be known for? What do I want to enjoy?
You see, I had already grown tired of being known for proficiency for certain [THINGS].
Mostly because I knew, instinctually, that I was not very good at them. Not in the disciplined, studied-very-hard way that these younger people were.
So when I failed to display the knowledge they thought I had because I had proclaimed to be good at [THING].
I don’t know all the parts of a sentence and I cannot grammatically identify my way out of a fourth-grader’s ELA assignment.
I did not take a single grammar for morons class in University. I only got a 3 year BA in English because I had no idea what to do with my life.
I don’t give a shit that it’s not grammatically correct to tell someone to ‘drive safe’ when the weather is bad.
I don’t know what secret information an author is trying to portray when they make the streetlight pink and that the bulbs flicker to the beat of the Macarena. I don’t think about that shit when I read, and I certainly don’t think about that when I write.
I do, however, have immense respect for those who can figure that shit out and actively write in a way that that shit can be figured out.
I have a degree in Bull Shit and an overactive imagination.
Which is all I need.
