becoming better in life

Climbing Up

Today is Father’s Day.

My father has become a kind and caring man. I don’t doubt that. We may not speak anymore, but that is by my choice. He became the father of another family. Even though it hurts, I wish him happiness. Even though we’ll never have the relationship I wished we had, I hope his children love him.

I have been fortunate to build my own family over the last 10 years. My husband is wonderful, my kids are a damn handful but they’re great kids. I’ve got a fantastic best friend/sister and an adorable ‘wife’.

My life doesn’t fit prescribed Hallmark holidays. That used to really upset me. It would hurt watching others celebrate these days with their families. Even in the beginning with my created family it sometimes hurt to see. The family that raised me is so broken. I’ve been told I am dead to them. I have been discarded so many times you’d think it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

Of course, not all of my family thinks that way and I stay in touch with those who treat me with kindness.

After this week off on stress leave, I’ve come to realize some things that are actually pretty common sense:

  • You can’t make people love you.
  • You shouldn’t waste energy wishing that things in the past happened differently.
  • When you change, even when it’s for the better, there will always be someone in your past who doesn’t like it.
  • Leave those people behind.

It’s been ten years since I hit rock bottom. It’s been a brutal climb, but I’m halfway up. I’ve been pulled back a few times by the slimy hands of my past. I’ve been taunted and berated.

But I’ll continue to climb. I will live my life for me. After all, no one else can live it for me.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

One Day, Peace Will Come

I get daily emails from a woman named Danielle LaPorte and honestly, she hits home quite a few times. Sometimes I think it’s silly to follow these types of people on social media and the like, but honestly, there are times when I need that third-party perspective of someone who doesn’t know who I am or what I’m going through. Sometimes that generic advice hits right in the guts and I can breathe and go “Ah. That’s way better”. I totally want her Desire Map journal though.

So imagine my surprise when into my inbox comes an entire post about why jerks show up in your life. Certainly everyone has dealt with a jerk or two. Or twenty. It could be that asshole from high school or that sibling who just doesn’t get it. Maybe it’s that stranger in the grocery store or your crotchety grandparent. Whatever the case, it’s no surprise that there are jerks everywhere.

I have dealt with my own fair share of jerks, some of which hit closer to home than I’d like. I’ve even had to call the police and file reports based on their shitty behaviour. That might be upping the ante from Jerk to bonafide Asshole, but the base is the same.

She goes on to tell her readers exactly why jerks exist. If I am to believe that they exist to help us review our lives and determine how we don’t want to be, then I guess I should be thankful to the current jerks trying to make my life a living hell.

Thank you for being an asshole. No, really, thank you. It’s helping me realize what behaviours I don’t want to have and it’s helping me identify how not to treat the people in my life.

Thank you for being a jerk for such a long time. It’s shown me that some people just don’t change. That they’re stuck in the middle of their small, pathetic lives and they have no joy inside them. That they can only find joy by attempting to torture others.

Thank you, all of you jerks, that have ever come into my life. All of you have forced me to realize things about myself that I might not have seen if you weren’t around. Just like you can’t make or do something better if you’re never wrong or never fail, you can’t make yourself a better person without the prime examples of what not to do.

So thanks, real life jerks, for teaching me more than the jerks on television ever could.


Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments