depression

Waking Up

It’s like I’ve been sleeping. Not necessarily dreaming, but sleeping. Lost in a that void of darkness that is warm and comforting.

Ten years ago in June 2008 I tried to die by suicide. Ten years ago I wanted to disappear into the never-ending blackness and never return. Looking back, it is no surprise why I got to that point. I’ve talked about it before in previous  posts.

Looking back on my road to recovery I realize I’m not exactly where I want to be. Not yet. These last ten months of my husband being gone for work have stressed my mind to limits I didn’t want to reach again. While I may tout myself as being strong and unbreakable, I do crumble just as much as other people. There are things I know I need to implement to continue to have a healthy mind. I haven’t implemented them and I blame work, no time, stress, life. These are excuses and I recognize them for that.

As I address my recovery, I need to go back. I need to unload how I got to that point ten years ago.

I didn’t have an easy childhood. While it wasn’t as bad as it has been for many others in the world, it was bad enough for me. I’ve had thoughts of suicide since I was eleven years old. These thoughts didn’t progress to the how I would die by suicide until I was thirteen. Before that, I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I wanted the constant pain I felt to just stop. When you’re a child,  you don’t understand what these thoughts mean. I am an adult now, so I understand. I know now.

I tried cutting my arms to see how much it would hurt with the pocket knife my father gave me when I was thirteen. I did it again with a box cutter when I was twenty-four. I have a tattoo over the scars now.

When I was fourteen, I started pulling out my hair. On my head, on my legs, my underarms. I would pluck that hair over and over. I had bald spots in my late teens on the back of my head and would wear my hair in a ponytail or under a bandanna to hide it. I don’t know if I did it because it allowed me to feel some sense of control over the life that I felt was rapidly spiraling out of control. I don’t know if I did it because it provided some sort of relief or if I enjoyed the slight sting that would accompany plucking out a hair, but I did it.

Even now, when I’m distracted and playing with my hair, I might pluck a hair or two. It’s not nearly as bad as it was before, but I have moments of almost-baldness in spots.

In my youth, and even now, I wear the mask. The mask of ‘everything’s fine’. There’s nothing wrong. I can handle this. I can do it. I don’t need help. I used to be really bad at asking for help. There are times when I won’t ask for help because the people I’ve asked have made it seem like an inconvenience to them. I’ve encountered this a lot while living in this town for the last five years. Some people are quick to offer, but when they are asked, it’s clear that they don’t want to. I don’t want people to help me because they feel obligated. So I don’t ask.

In two weeks I will leave this town. My family will once again be a complete unit living under one roof. I will have a new home to paint and decorate. I will have an office to set up as I prepare to work from home. I have so many things to look forward to.

I am only leaving behind two friends. I am finally okay with that.

The stress of everything that I’ve had to deal with on my own over the last ten months has finally hit a breaking point. I am writing this post from a coffee shop. I am on stress leave. There have been a host of things from work struggles to family struggles to depression lying to me that culminated in this leave. I am grateful that I have the means to take this leave.

The recent celebrity suicides have reminded me of my own darkness. They have reminded me that it’s been ten years since my attempt. It’s not like you ever really forget. It’s not the last time I had thoughts of suicide either. Just because I think about it doesn’t mean I’m going to do it. My supports have been lacking, but that is on me. I am using this week of stress leave to redefine what I need to be healthy so that I can put those needs into practice. I am cultivating a plan so that I can be the best me that I can.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

1-800-273-8255 ft. Alessia Cara, Khalid by Logic

Please visit Suicide Prevention Canada if you need support.

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter
I know it I know it I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home
Ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die today
You don’t gotta die
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die
Now lemme tell you why

[Alessia Cara:]
It’s the very first breath
When your head’s been drowning underwater
And it’s the lightness in the air
When you’re there
Chest to chest with a lover
It’s holding on, though the road’s long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you’ll thank God you did

[Logic:]
I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’
I know you’re the reason I believe in life
What’s the day without a little night?
I’m just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I finally wanna be alive
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die today
I don’t wanna die
I finally wanna be alive
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die
I don’t wanna die

[Khalid:]
Pain don’t hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I’m moving ’til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don’t wanna cry
I don’t wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive
I don’t even wanna die anymore
Oh I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna
I don’t even wanna die anymore

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Mindful Musings #218

mindful-musings

Feeling trapped.

Fingers numb from clawing

Lungs burning from lack of oxygen.

All within a prison made of glass.

Now the water rises.

Slowly, carefully

Swallowing from the bottom up.

Trembling from fear

Gives way to sweet defeat.

Exhaustion envelops like a blanket.

Soothing the pain.

Covering the wounds.

Darkness descends

And there is only black.

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

#BellLetsTalk

Today’s post is in honour of Bell’s Let’s Talk initiative they have here in Canada. For today, January 25, 2017, Bell will donate ¢5 for every tweet and retweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk to mental health initiatives. This is a big deal for a lot of people and it helps open the dialogue about mental health. My post today is going to focus on that, but I don’t want people to feel like they’re reading something they’re not ready for, or don’t want. So keep reading if you want, but I won’t be offended if you don’t.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Mindful Musings #198

mindful-musings

Losing grip

Descending deeper

Into the abyss.

Tired of being tired

Tired of wearing the mask.

Tired of the questions:

The stares.

The fabricated concern.

Just let me be swallowed

Completely whole

By that darkness

Where no sound permeates

The thick silence.

Give me this respite

Into utter nothingness

So I may find myself

Again.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

I Came, I Participated, I Left

If you’ve been following me at all lately you’ll know that I was going to a group therapy meeting last week for people with Depression and Anxiety.

I was hella nervous going because that’s my anxiety and it’s just ‘normal’ nerves at that point.

It was a nice place. It took place in an old house in a library. There were couches, a fireplace, and books. Obscene amounts of books. The people there were really nice. One of them is going to be our facilitator going forward.

Will I go back? I don’t know. I learned that there are those out there struggling with something I can’t even begin to imagine. While I am certain that my issues are very real, I do not have to be on disability. I am not living with any parental figures.

I came to understand that I need more than just a group discussion. I need personalized plans. I work better that way. I was able to go to kick boxing for the first time in a month and I felt absolutely fresh afterwards. I think a lot of my issue was the fact that I was under immense pressure with no outlet. I have managed to convince my husband to allow me to keep my subscription for my kick boxing class. As long as I go at least four times a month it will pay for itself.

So where do I go from here? Perhaps I need to make contact with my employee assistance program and source out a personal counsellor. I don’t think I need intensive therapy like I did in university and I also don’t think I require medication.

The pressure I am under is immense and real. I need real tools to combat the concerns I have and someone external to hold me accountable for completion.

It’s a long and potentially slippery slope that I’m on right now. But I can climb it.

In other news, we’ve taken one of our vehicles off the insurance and I now walk home from work. We’re trying to save money while we wait for the payout to come. As you may also know, I live in Canada. Which means it’s freaking winter right now. Goddamn is it cold! I have to pull my snow pants out this weekend so I don’t freeze on my way home. Good thing I have a tolerance for the cold. It’s not a super high one, but it’s  better than most people.

Also, using a gift card my in-laws gave me for my birthday I got a perm done! It’s already fallen out but the remaining body looks fabulous. I am still happy with it.

In the meantime, work continues to be done on TAK. Just little bits here and there. Puttering along. Keep your eyes peeled for a new short! I should have that one done next week!

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

All The Feelings

I’ve kind of been on a self-help/self-therapy kick lately, haven’t I?

That’s probably because I’m so overwhelmed and so stressed I can’t even think about my book right now. I still write little bits here and there, but nothing new since my last posts about it. I’ve decided how it will end, which is good. Usually I can’t figure out how to end the story and it ends up a garbled mess. I’m hoping that this map that I’ve figured out will help.

Tonight I am going to be attending a group meeting. I haven’t done any sort of counselling or therapy for 10 years. I am in a new situation where a lot is going on and it’s gotten to a point where I hear those voices again.

You know the voices.

Anyone who has struggled with depression or anxiety knows the voices I’m talking about. My rational brain tends to ignore them, but that brain is getting weaker as the days go by and the stress piles up.

I’ve never been to one of these group meeting things before. I was thinking about it this morning while I was getting ready for work and I felt this wave of anxiety wash over me. It comes and goes in waves and I know it will be fine. I am hoping I will be brave enough to go. I have this wonderful habit of talking myself out of ANYTHING.

In other news, I think I may have found a Masters program I am interested in. The only catch is that it is offered by a University in NEWFOUNDLAND. I live in Manitoba. That is FAR from where I am.

But there’s not much I can do when the schools around me don’t offer what I want. It’s not like I haven’t looked. I don’t have a million  years or obscene amounts of time to prep with schooling to get into a program. For programs near me I’m looking at 5-8 years of school before I can do what I want. With this program, I think I might have to do 1 year of pre-requisites and then the actual program. Most of the pre-requisites are available online, but there are some that are only available in class. I contacted the recruitment department to see if the in-person classes are offered in the Spring/Summer session. I might be able to make it work! We shall see. The Masters program has some courses that are only offered face-to-face so I would have to see how that could work. It would be so nice to finally  have my Masters like I have wanted. It’s a public institution which is also helpful. I would be in school forever and for always if my budget would allow me.

On the other side, I feel so OLD doing more schooling. Realistically, I am not that old. But I still feel like I am. I’ll get over it though hahaha.

Here’s to brighter days ahead!

20151112_074100

It snowed today though 🙂

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Domestic Violence Prevention Month – Canada

November is Domestic Violence Prevention Month here in Canada.

As a survivor of domestic violence, I have written a brief snapshot of my history in the hopes that others may read it and draw strength from it.

You are not alone. You can survive.

Domestic Violence

It’s not an inclusive story by any means. Perhaps it’s more for self-therapy than for actually helping anyone. But it is my story.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 1 comment