depression

1-800-273-8255 ft. Alessia Cara, Khalid by Logic

Please visit Suicide Prevention Canada if you need support.

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter
I know it I know it I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home
Ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die today
You don’t gotta die
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die
Now lemme tell you why

[Alessia Cara:]
It’s the very first breath
When your head’s been drowning underwater
And it’s the lightness in the air
When you’re there
Chest to chest with a lover
It’s holding on, though the road’s long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you’ll thank God you did

[Logic:]
I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’
I know you’re the reason I believe in life
What’s the day without a little night?
I’m just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I finally wanna be alive
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die today
I don’t wanna die
I finally wanna be alive
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die
I don’t wanna die

[Khalid:]
Pain don’t hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I’m moving ’til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don’t wanna cry
I don’t wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive
I don’t even wanna die anymore
Oh I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna
I don’t even wanna die anymore

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Mindful Musings #218

mindful-musings

Feeling trapped.

Fingers numb from clawing

Lungs burning from lack of oxygen.

All within a prison made of glass.

Now the water rises.

Slowly, carefully

Swallowing from the bottom up.

Trembling from fear

Gives way to sweet defeat.

Exhaustion envelops like a blanket.

Soothing the pain.

Covering the wounds.

Darkness descends

And there is only black.

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

#BellLetsTalk

Today’s post is in honour of Bell’s Let’s Talk initiative they have here in Canada. For today, January 25, 2017, Bell will donate ¢5 for every tweet and retweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk to mental health initiatives. This is a big deal for a lot of people and it helps open the dialogue about mental health. My post today is going to focus on that, but I don’t want people to feel like they’re reading something they’re not ready for, or don’t want. So keep reading if you want, but I won’t be offended if you don’t.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Mindful Musings #198

mindful-musings

Losing grip

Descending deeper

Into the abyss.

Tired of being tired

Tired of wearing the mask.

Tired of the questions:

The stares.

The fabricated concern.

Just let me be swallowed

Completely whole

By that darkness

Where no sound permeates

The thick silence.

Give me this respite

Into utter nothingness

So I may find myself

Again.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

I Came, I Participated, I Left

If you’ve been following me at all lately you’ll know that I was going to a group therapy meeting last week for people with Depression and Anxiety.

I was hella nervous going because that’s my anxiety and it’s just ‘normal’ nerves at that point.

It was a nice place. It took place in an old house in a library. There were couches, a fireplace, and books. Obscene amounts of books. The people there were really nice. One of them is going to be our facilitator going forward.

Will I go back? I don’t know. I learned that there are those out there struggling with something I can’t even begin to imagine. While I am certain that my issues are very real, I do not have to be on disability. I am not living with any parental figures.

I came to understand that I need more than just a group discussion. I need personalized plans. I work better that way. I was able to go to kick boxing for the first time in a month and I felt absolutely fresh afterwards. I think a lot of my issue was the fact that I was under immense pressure with no outlet. I have managed to convince my husband to allow me to keep my subscription for my kick boxing class. As long as I go at least four times a month it will pay for itself.

So where do I go from here? Perhaps I need to make contact with my employee assistance program and source out a personal counsellor. I don’t think I need intensive therapy like I did in university and I also don’t think I require medication.

The pressure I am under is immense and real. I need real tools to combat the concerns I have and someone external to hold me accountable for completion.

It’s a long and potentially slippery slope that I’m on right now. But I can climb it.

In other news, we’ve taken one of our vehicles off the insurance and I now walk home from work. We’re trying to save money while we wait for the payout to come. As you may also know, I live in Canada. Which means it’s freaking winter right now. Goddamn is it cold! I have to pull my snow pants out this weekend so I don’t freeze on my way home. Good thing I have a tolerance for the cold. It’s not a super high one, but it’s  better than most people.

Also, using a gift card my in-laws gave me for my birthday I got a perm done! It’s already fallen out but the remaining body looks fabulous. I am still happy with it.

In the meantime, work continues to be done on TAK. Just little bits here and there. Puttering along. Keep your eyes peeled for a new short! I should have that one done next week!

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

All The Feelings

I’ve kind of been on a self-help/self-therapy kick lately, haven’t I?

That’s probably because I’m so overwhelmed and so stressed I can’t even think about my book right now. I still write little bits here and there, but nothing new since my last posts about it. I’ve decided how it will end, which is good. Usually I can’t figure out how to end the story and it ends up a garbled mess. I’m hoping that this map that I’ve figured out will help.

Tonight I am going to be attending a group meeting. I haven’t done any sort of counselling or therapy for 10 years. I am in a new situation where a lot is going on and it’s gotten to a point where I hear those voices again.

You know the voices.

Anyone who has struggled with depression or anxiety knows the voices I’m talking about. My rational brain tends to ignore them, but that brain is getting weaker as the days go by and the stress piles up.

I’ve never been to one of these group meeting things before. I was thinking about it this morning while I was getting ready for work and I felt this wave of anxiety wash over me. It comes and goes in waves and I know it will be fine. I am hoping I will be brave enough to go. I have this wonderful habit of talking myself out of ANYTHING.

In other news, I think I may have found a Masters program I am interested in. The only catch is that it is offered by a University in NEWFOUNDLAND. I live in Manitoba. That is FAR from where I am.

But there’s not much I can do when the schools around me don’t offer what I want. It’s not like I haven’t looked. I don’t have a million  years or obscene amounts of time to prep with schooling to get into a program. For programs near me I’m looking at 5-8 years of school before I can do what I want. With this program, I think I might have to do 1 year of pre-requisites and then the actual program. Most of the pre-requisites are available online, but there are some that are only available in class. I contacted the recruitment department to see if the in-person classes are offered in the Spring/Summer session. I might be able to make it work! We shall see. The Masters program has some courses that are only offered face-to-face so I would have to see how that could work. It would be so nice to finally  have my Masters like I have wanted. It’s a public institution which is also helpful. I would be in school forever and for always if my budget would allow me.

On the other side, I feel so OLD doing more schooling. Realistically, I am not that old. But I still feel like I am. I’ll get over it though hahaha.

Here’s to brighter days ahead!

20151112_074100

It snowed today though 🙂

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Domestic Violence Prevention Month – Canada

November is Domestic Violence Prevention Month here in Canada.

As a survivor of domestic violence, I have written a brief snapshot of my history in the hopes that others may read it and draw strength from it.

You are not alone. You can survive.

Domestic Violence

It’s not an inclusive story by any means. Perhaps it’s more for self-therapy than for actually helping anyone. But it is my story.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 1 comment

Melancholy Monday

It’s raining in Alberta today and the weather is making me melancholy.

I’m reminded of unhappy things from my past when it rains. I also like the rain when I can lock myself in my room with a book to read, or to write. Then the rain is good.

It’s sometimes a good thing to get back in this depressed state of mind when it rains because it helps the writing. Things are full of such agony when I write when it rains. People die, lives are ruined, worlds destroyed.

Many people see rainy days as things to be feared. Some studies will tell you that the suicide rate spikes when it rains. As someone who has had suicidal thoughts before, I can understand WHY it would spike on days like today when everything is gray and looks hopeless. But it was never rainy days for me.

Yes, I can get a little depressing on days like today and I usually like to watch movies that make me cry on days like today, but I never went that far on rainy days. I love the rain. I love the sound it makes on the roof, I love watching the ripples in the puddles. In the summer time, when it’s hot and it rains, I like to walk in the rain.

For me, my depression and my suicidal thoughts stemmed from other reasons and not the weather. I always found solace in the rain and maybe that comes from living in a log cabin in the woods where everything was so quiet on rainy days. The birds were still there, but quieter and the shadows of animals skittering here and there trying to find shelter from the storm was interesting to watch.

I am happy to say it’s been 5 years since I had suicidal thoughts. Those who read this might be surprised that things like that ever crossed my mind before, but when (if) I eventually post about what my childhood and early adulthood was like, you’ll understand more.

UNFORTUNATELY I have to work today. It’s sad business, working a Day Job on a day that would give birth to so many interesting things when writing. In my next story, TAK, I’ve decided to call it for sure, there are lots of sad things that could happen.

SO MANY LIVES TO RUIN!!! *insert evil laugh here*

Oh man. You better hope I never rule the world…..:P

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Being in that Dark Place

When I first started writing it was because I was in a very dark place in my life and I used it as a form of escapism.

I used to think I could only write when I was depressed and unhappy. Sometimes I still think that and because I’ve been happy and ‘normal’ for so long, it was like I had writer’s block and I felt unable to be as creative as I once was.

It was a scary thing when that first happened. It was like the only thing I ever felt I as kind of good at was taken away because I was now ‘happy’. It almost made me resent that happiness. I didn’t understand how it could crush everything I ever knew in terms of writing.

But as time went on and I started to slowly get back to my writing, the creativity came back. The year I turned 25 was when I became truly happy for the first time. I met my soon-to-be husband and met his family and got to experience, for the first time in a very long time, what a family who cares about each other is like.

I didn’t try to write for at least 3 years after that.

But in the last few years I’ve started writing here and there when my husband has to go away for a long time and when my son allows me the peace and quiet to do so.

Now that I’ve edited my first story that I’m going to publish I’m a bit scared and formatting seems even scarier, but I’m not in that dark place any more. I’m not in that deep dark hole of loneliness and neglect.

Do I think my writing has suffered because of that? No, not really. Sure, the same well that I drew my inspiration from is gone, but it’s not completely gone.

I like to feel as though it’s evolved. It’s grown with me and my life.

The proof will be in the story I publish after Black & Red. It’s the first story I created, developed, and wrote since becoming ‘happy’.

Here’s hoping!

Posted by Sarah Jayne in My Book Stuff, 2 comments