dreams

Daymares in the Daylight

I had a daymare today. I classify a ‘daymare’ as those waking dreams. Where your mind wanders but you ‘see’ or ‘dream’ things.

This daymare is recurring. I have it every so often that it’s almost come to be something like an omen; a prophecy. Which would be kind of cool and the only good thing about this whole situation.

My daymare starts with a phone call. Not a text. This lends intense urgency to the whole thing. No one calls me. Unless something is wrong. In my daymare my cousin has called to tell me of our grandfathers passing. At the time of writing, my grandfather is very much alive. I have not seen nor spoken to the man since my grandmother passed almost seven years ago.

I make it a point to not go to Ontario. There are people there I would rather not see. I joke that I only go back when people die, as the last time I was there was when my grandmother passed.

The phone call is disjointed and I can’t make out the words but I know what it is. She is giving me dates and times.

Time is not linear in a daymare and suddenly I am there. I am in Ontario at the funeral. I pay my respects and touch base with my cousin and my collection of aunts and uncles.

And then I hear it.

Her voice.

It’s grating and the anxiety I feel whenever I think about her rushes over me. I’m consumed and it becomes hard to hear. She’s yelling, as usual. I can’t make out the words. It’s just….noise. Everything else is muted and I’m surrounded by herĀ noise.

I break out of the daymare, eventually. It feels so real that sometimes when this happens I will text my cousin and ask her for an update.

The positive out of all of this is it’s just a daymare. It hasn’t happened. It’s like training for when the real thing happens. So that’s good, I suppose.

Daymares can be good fodder for writing, but I have to be at work now. No time to break out the tablet and start typing away. Perhaps at lunch time I can channel this into something. Aldric and Brexton have just returned to Vanecia after all. Debating on having them meet with The Doctor (no TARDIS here. Not that kind of doctor) or have them go straight to their destination. It’s a bit muddled in my mind here so I might write and rewrite this section a few times.

I made a story map of what I want to happen here, I just need to review it. Maybe approach it from a different angle then what I’ve got going on right now.

Happy Monday folks! Try to stay awake!

awake

Posted by Sarah Jayne in My Book Stuff, Rantings, 0 comments

The Team

Most of you know that I have a full time day job that I muddle through every day. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing really well and making a difference, and sometimes I feel like just another cog in the machine.

I work with a pretty awesome group of people though. There is the Super Boss, our Executive Director, my manager and the two special projects managers are the Power Rangers and my two co workers and I make up the Ninjas. I’ve talked about my office-mate before, the Brain Twin. She’s currently out sick and I hope she feels better soon. It gets quiet without her so I turn the music up a bit louder. We have a disco ball in our office and generally have twitter wars and dance parties.

At first, the idea of sharing an office was intimidating. I was so used to having my own space and not having to account for another human being within that space. We get along really well. Like, so well it can be creepy. She’s not my Brain Twin for nothing.

My other co worker is the Bespectacled Smarty Pants, or BSP for short. This kid. This kid I tells ya. He’s going to be 28 this year and has already accomplished so much it makes my green eyes even more green with jealousy. He got his Masters right after university, he teaches at the university where our office is based, he’s the front runner for one of our projects at work which lets him out of the dungeon. In all honesty, this kid has achieved a lot. For someone in their early thirties who is currently dreaming of things like a Masters degree and who is still searching for herself, it’s a bit maddening.

When I was your age…!

There are two other members of the team but they don’t have nicknames. I’ve just realized that. That needs to be rectified. One is our IT support guy. The tech wizard. But we can’t call him the Wizard because Super Boss already has that. He’s got two names because he’s so super. The other co worker is the Assistant to the Director. She is seriously the one who keeps this ship running smoothly and with little waves.

I do so enjoy my job, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I fantasize about living in a remote location; some cabin in the woods or mountains somewhere where no one knows me. Where there is a little tiny village where everyone is nice to each other. Where we’re cut off from the annoyances of modern day. I am reading a manga right now where this exact situation is happening. It makes me long for a simpler life.

One of these days. I’ll have a cabin in the nothingness where I can retreat and write to my hearts content. Where the children can play outside without being afraid of getting kidnapped or run over by a car. Where my husband can relax and we can all go for family hikes or other outdoor excursions.

Some day.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Being An Adult

Part of being an adult is making adult decisions.

This large move and the impending arrival of our second monster has forced me to review and re-evaluate my educational plans.

We spent far more of our savings than I had anticipated during the move and we’re only getting a fraction back. Plus, we have additional expenses I had sort of counted but apparently not enough.

In order to be a proper adult and provide appropriately for my family while enjoying life I will not be going back to school. I know education is an ongoing thing and that I could theorhetically take one course at a time but that will only get me so far. For the B.Ed I NEED to be a full time student for 2 years and that’s not something we can afford.

With childcare costs, getting new furniture for both kids, having a monetary safety net plus potentially saving for a house, new vehicle, or even the pop-up trailer we’ve been wanting it’s just not realistic. We also have debt that needs to paid off like student loans which Gail Vaz-Oxlade would be happy to know we’ll put first.

I’m very sad, if I’m 100% honest, but it’s not like I can’t work with the educational background I have. It will then become a matter of the availability of childcare and the job opportunities available when it’s time for me to go back to work.

I’m glad I faced this decision sooner, rather than later, because it’ll give me time to ‘grieve’ and look towards the positive things that will arise from this choice.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 1 comment