emotions

Uncomfortably In The Middle

Everyone knows the phrase that there is always someone better at something than you are.

I knew that phrase. I had it ingrained in my body and mind for a long time.

Somehow, at some point, I forgot it also applied to me.

I was horribly humiliated with my pride being crushed by those who were better at certain things than I was, and those people were younger than me.

I had held on to these miniscule items and used them to define my identity.

“She’s very good at [THING]

“She knows a lot about [OTHER THING]

It’s not the end of the world, finding out that you aren’t the best at [THING].

The crushed pride was always internal. I didn’t let on that I had been decimated in such a fashion.

Because really, it was my own doing.

But being destroyed like that caused me to stop.

To pause.

To think.

What the hell am I actually good at? What do I want to be good at? What do I want to be known for? What do I want to enjoy?

You see, I had already grown tired of being known for proficiency for certain [THINGS].

Mostly because I knew, instinctually, that I was not very good at them. Not in the disciplined, studied-very-hard way that these younger people were.

So when I failed to display the knowledge they thought I had because I had proclaimed to be good at [THING].

I don’t know all the parts of a sentence and I cannot grammatically identify my way out of a fourth-grader’s ELA assignment.

I did not take a single grammar for morons class in University. I only got a 3 year BA in English because I had no idea what to do with my life.

I don’t give a shit that it’s not grammatically correct to tell someone to ‘drive safe’ when the weather is bad.

I don’t know what secret information an author is trying to portray when they make the streetlight pink and that the bulbs flicker to the beat of the Macarena. I don’t think about that shit when I read, and I certainly don’t think about that when I write.

I do, however, have immense respect for those who can figure that shit out and actively write in a way that that shit can be figured out.

I have a degree in Bull Shit and an overactive imagination.

Which is all I need.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Mindful Musings #220

She looks out the window

At the world as it passes by.

She extends her hand

But she cannot reach the life beyond her fingertips.

She is drowning.

She is being buried alive.

She is losing herself to the whirl of her reality.

She must continue to give all of herself

While retaining only a little of herself.

Take that fragment

Hold it close.

Cup that ember

In the palm of outstretched hands.

Softly, carefully, protect that ember

From the buffeting waves of life.

When the storm dies down

And the agony abates

Feed that ember

Until it bursts into the flame of who

She used to be.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

Mindful Musings #214

She hides the pain

Behind the smiles in her eyes.

She covers herself in beauty

To hide the ugliness inside.

Covered up in colours

That wash away the darkness.

Breathing slowly

Softly

Deeply

Until the agony resets

And she can dance through the night

Guided only by the stars.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

It's Okay to Let Sadness Drive

Lately I’ve been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I feel bad for my husband, although I can’t do anything to change how I’ve been feeling lately aside from what I’m already trying.

I follow Danielle LaPorte and her inspirational writings and such. She has offered a lot of good programming and audios for free or for exceptionally cheap. I’m in the middle of working on the Fire Starter Series which is 16 audio sessions with worksheets. I’m saving these sessions to a USB to share with my best friend and hope that we can do them together.

It’ll help us connect and it’ll help us realise our own potentials.

In the reading today Danielle talked about sadness. Since I’ve been feeling a bit rough lately this really hit home with me. She shared this photo and I think it’s pretty important:

DLP

photo credit to Danielle LaPorte

She writes about how when you’re sick most people relish that moment to reevaluate, burn off some extra crap and focus on themselves. We should do the same when we’re sad. I think that’s really important.

I have a few friends who don’t like to get sad. They feel that being sad is a negative thing and that they should always be happy. When I watched Inside Out I realised how important it is to let Sadness drive sometimes.

Sometimes the path to healing can only be found once we take the time to let out all our pain.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 1 comment

Mindful Musings #126

Mindful Musings

The rain drowns out the tears.

The thunder obliterates the screams.

The lightning blinds the pain.

Akin to a storm

The emotions course through me

I am in pain.

I am free.

I am alive.

We bleed just to know we’re alive.

Like the angels sang to us

In that movie once.

A long time ago.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 4 comments

Mindful Musings #125

Mindful Musings

Have you ever thought

That the sky is a heart

Crying in sadness

Shining in joy?

That thunderstorms and lightning

Occur only when this heart

Has had to bear too much?

When it has reached the end of it’s rope?

Sit in silence and revel in the beauty

Of a shameless heart

Who says the things

I cannot

Say.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 4 comments