feeling awful

Silent Thoughts

My children are growing up so fast. My eldest will be 6 years old in just over a month. My youngest is getting ready to transition to a full bed. We have decided to skip the daybed/toddler bed phase as we feel he’d be more comfortable in a real  bed.

My Boss lent me The Reason You Walk by Wab Kinew. This is an amazing read and I’ve gotten to a part where he’s talking about his children, his sons. It reminds me of my sons.

Last night my husband read our eldest part of a book I had been reading. I was actually upset. I had been having a pretty bad/bummed out evening to begin with. I just felt like he took my thing with our eldest who cares less for me on a regular basis and made it his. I’m probably just being super sensitive and emotional due to what I was feeling from work, but it really felt like a sharp stab.

I loathe that my children are growing up. They’re becoming such little guys. My rational brain is fine with this, of course. Rational Brain, or RB for short, is accepting and excited to see them become little men. Irrational Brain, or IB for short, really doesn’t like it and could care less.

Those of you who work a day job, do you ever find yourself thinking “Why am I here?”. I had that moment yesterday.

We have a consultant on a big project we’re sort of involved in. I, specifically, am not involved in the project but my workplace is. My Boss is involved and so is Super Boss. The consultant was visiting our location and we were explaining what it is that we do here. When it comes to things like this I don’t like going first. I’m not comfortable yet with being able to explain what we do at the drop of a hat. There was no time to prepare or practice. Sometimes I need that.

So BSP went first. He was explaining the main brand that the two of us were involved with. He talks a lot but he is very intelligent when he speaks. I was then asked to explain a system we used by my Boss. This was totally okay, at first. I was then expected to explain something I don’t really look at on a regular basis and don’t have a lot of experience with. BSP jumped right in and started speaking.

I was so embarrassed.

When it came time to explain a brand that I am wholly involved with an enjoy I was excited. I was explaining what it was all about, in shortened time because BSP talked a lot and it was almost time for me to go home, when BSP chimed in with a question that could have waited. Then later on I thought there had only been on instance of customer service through a specific platform but he corrected me. He was right, which is fine.

Again, I was embarrassed.

I finished what I had to say and while they were determining what to discuss next, it was time for me to leave.

Can you see it now?

I was already consumed with thought about why I bother to be at work. Why I should even care or worry about being there when there are others who can do it without me. I have been spending a bit of time wallowing in self-pity, feeling like my contributions or presence doesn’t matter.

Then my husband unintentionally takes away my story and you can imagine how listless and unrequired I felt.

Today has some of those feelings pouring over. I’ll get over it when RB is back in control. My husband works tonight so I’m sure I’ll find something to occupy my time and mind from this issue.

I’m just tired. Of a lot of things.

Anyone with me?


Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 9 comments