The Haunting Past

I’ve noticed a trend in the books/stories I write.

More often than not, my leading characters have some sort of sordid past that they are trying to escape from. A past that they are trying to claw out of in order to define themselves. More often my leading, and some supporting, characters have issues they have been working on since childhood and most of them are the cause of adults treating them unfairly in some way. Their pasts are mostly brutal and make other uncomfortable knowing about them, but I have a hard time shying away from that.

I watched a TED talk by Nadine Burke Harris about how childhood trauma can affect people even when they are adults.

You can watch the talk here: Nadine Burke Harris TED Talk

I had a pretty rough childhood. Was it as bad as many people out there? Probably not. I saw my share of family violence and withstood my share of abuse growing up. I realize a lot of the decisions I made when I was younger are shaped by the environment I grew up in. I am working on not transmitting that environment to my children and so far it is going good.

But as a writer, and I’m sure many can attest to this, I cling to those emotions. When I write and my characters go through something similar to what I went through I think I do it as some form of self-therapy. But even so remembering those emotions and those situations is hard and it’s easy to get depressed.

Our past will haunt us and while it may seem like it’s difficult to overcome them it’s important to understand that you don’t need to deny that these things happened. You don’t need to walk around pretending that you’re perfect and that your life has and always will be perfect. We are people, and we need to remember that that’s okay. It’s okay to be human.

Here's a cute frog to help you along.

Here’s a cute frog to help you along.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

It's the Final Coutdown!

Ooooooh I haven’t posted in so long. Things have been crazy and hectic since the move to Ghostville.

I’ve got a baby due on November 6th, my 3.5 year old attends Junior Kindergarten (stop growing up!) 3 days a week, I FINALLY have a charger for my tablet so I can catch up on my reading, and I’ve applied to University for next year.

Due to the insanity TAK has been put aside for longer than I’d like. This means I’ll have to reread what I wrote to get back in the groove. That’s not a bad thing though. It’s good to refresh your mind.

People are freaking out over NaNoWriMo but I’m not. I’ll be too busy with a newborn to focus on writing.

Life is slightly more organized. The room is ready for the baby, the tiny finishing touches are being placed around the house to make it more of a home.

I’ve realized that living on base is not for me. The people are very nice, but it also feels like living under a microscope. I’ve deliberatly enrolled my son in the Junior Kindergarten in the main town and not on base. I’m looking into childcare for the children when I go to school off-base. My husband and I are also considering sending our kids to school in town and not on base, even if we haven’t moved off-base yet. I think it’s because we spent the first 4 years of our combined lives in the military AWAY from base and that life. I also want my children to be more than base-brats. But that’s just me.

Anyway, I’ve got dishes to do and vacuuming to be done so I shall take my leave.

Thanks to my readers for sticking it out and waiting for my posts 🙂 it’s appreciated.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

3 Decades

Today is my 30th birthday. This means I have been alive for 3 decades.

As I sit here and think about where my life is, where it could have gone, what I could have done, and what I have actually achieved, I’m actually pretty satisfied.

I’ve taken the long way to decide what my dream career is but I’ve got a plan in place to achieve it if I can ever decide whether or not I’m going to go back to school. Finances don’t necessarily agree with me too much and I tend to over think. Realistically, I can afford to go to school. BUT, in just over 30 days I’m having baby #2, we want to replace our poor little neon with a RAV4, food for baby #2 and the rest of us, saving to buy our own home, education funds for the children, working to bring in extra money to support the extra mouth. All of these things get a bit overwhelming to think about and the more I think about them, the more I realize that going to school may be a dream that never comes true.

I’ve mentally adjusted my educational plan to incorporate 2 years of part time schooling and then 2 years of full time. The program I want to be in has no choice but to be full time so I need to be organzied before I get there or it will all have been for naught.

I forced myself to apply to the University I want to attend and once I get my student ID number, I can start ordering transcripts. This is an investment and it will force me to at least try.

In the meantime, I’ve turned thirty-years-old. Friends have asked me what I am doing for my birthday and I just chuckle. I live in an extremely small village and I have a 3 year-old and I’m about 8 months pregnant. So, that means during the day I’ll be hanging out with my little dude, doing housework and watching tv. When my husband gets in from work I’ll have a nice bath and we’re having steak and potatoes for dinner. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeat. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I did get an amazing birthday package in the mail from a friend I left behind when we got posted out here to Manitoba. My husband already gave me my birthday presents and so far my son is being a good boy so that’s a good present.

I’ve published a book and I’m working on book #2. This is a huge accomplishment for me.

I am ten-times older than my son and I have never had a cavity in my entire life (I am SOOOO proud of that :P)

I’m more financially stable than I ever have been in my thirty-years of existence. I have dreams and I have goals. I have a family that I am proud of even if I never thought I would be deserving of this.

These are all the things I have gained in thirty-years. I think I’m good for another thirty and then I just want to drop-dead please lol I don’t want to get too old 😛

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Being An Adult

Part of being an adult is making adult decisions.

This large move and the impending arrival of our second monster has forced me to review and re-evaluate my educational plans.

We spent far more of our savings than I had anticipated during the move and we’re only getting a fraction back. Plus, we have additional expenses I had sort of counted but apparently not enough.

In order to be a proper adult and provide appropriately for my family while enjoying life I will not be going back to school. I know education is an ongoing thing and that I could theorhetically take one course at a time but that will only get me so far. For the B.Ed I NEED to be a full time student for 2 years and that’s not something we can afford.

With childcare costs, getting new furniture for both kids, having a monetary safety net plus potentially saving for a house, new vehicle, or even the pop-up trailer we’ve been wanting it’s just not realistic. We also have debt that needs to paid off like student loans which Gail Vaz-Oxlade would be happy to know we’ll put first.

I’m very sad, if I’m 100% honest, but it’s not like I can’t work with the educational background I have. It will then become a matter of the availability of childcare and the job opportunities available when it’s time for me to go back to work.

I’m glad I faced this decision sooner, rather than later, because it’ll give me time to ‘grieve’ and look towards the positive things that will arise from this choice.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 1 comment