humour

Uncomfortably In The Middle

Everyone knows the phrase that there is always someone better at something than you are.

I knew that phrase. I had it ingrained in my body and mind for a long time.

Somehow, at some point, I forgot it also applied to me.

I was horribly humiliated with my pride being crushed by those who were better at certain things than I was, and those people were younger than me.

I had held on to these miniscule items and used them to define my identity.

“She’s very good at [THING]

“She knows a lot about [OTHER THING]

It’s not the end of the world, finding out that you aren’t the best at [THING].

The crushed pride was always internal. I didn’t let on that I had been decimated in such a fashion.

Because really, it was my own doing.

But being destroyed like that caused me to stop.

To pause.

To think.

What the hell am I actually good at? What do I want to be good at? What do I want to be known for? What do I want to enjoy?

You see, I had already grown tired of being known for proficiency for certain [THINGS].

Mostly because I knew, instinctually, that I was not very good at them. Not in the disciplined, studied-very-hard way that these younger people were.

So when I failed to display the knowledge they thought I had because I had proclaimed to be good at [THING].

I don’t know all the parts of a sentence and I cannot grammatically identify my way out of a fourth-grader’s ELA assignment.

I did not take a single grammar for morons class in University. I only got a 3 year BA in English because I had no idea what to do with my life.

I don’t give a shit that it’s not grammatically correct to tell someone to ‘drive safe’ when the weather is bad.

I don’t know what secret information an author is trying to portray when they make the streetlight pink and that the bulbs flicker to the beat of the Macarena. I don’t think about that shit when I read, and I certainly don’t think about that when I write.

I do, however, have immense respect for those who can figure that shit out and actively write in a way that that shit can be figured out.

I have a degree in Bull Shit and an overactive imagination.

Which is all I need.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Lunatic Ravings

So I started writing a short of Raelin and Sharlot, relatively main characters from TAK. I got to page 8 when I had to stop. I’ve been drinking tonight and I get fairly needy/philosophical/cracked out when that happens so I fear the story has taken a direction I didn’t intend. I know up to page 5 is good to go because I wrote that before I went out with my coworkers, the Brain Twin and the BSP.

As I sit here in my hotel room, thinking out loud and singing along to the song I have on repeat I start to wonder a lot of things. Have you ever talked to yourself? Like outloud? And listened to the response? I talk to myself quite regularly and there are times when I surprise even myself. Right now my out-loud-thoughts are:

I want a cigarette like no one’s business.

Why the hell do I want a smoke now after all these years?

Shit, I need to get some sleep.

Can’t I write better than this? Maybe 6 drinks was too much.

Do I really have to function tomorrow?

I totally just want to run away to that cabin in Jasper. 

I have too many tattoo ideas and not enough skin.

I wonder what they really think of me. No wait, no I don’t. I don’t want to know.

Amaretto tastes really good.

So I’ve got all of this bouncing around right now. I’ve got to be up in five hours so maybe I’ll try to get some semblance of that which is called sleep. I think I can do it. I generally funciotn on far less. Perhaps it is time to turn the lights out and get this intoxicated ass to bed.

Plus side? I’m 99% sure I didn’t embarass myself this time 😉

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Need to Scratch

I’ve been thinking a lot about TAK lately. I wasn’t satisfied where I had stopped it last time. I found myself up against a wall; unsure how to move the story forward. My next concern was how I got myself in that hole. This hasn’t ever really happened before. Usually when I hit a wall I just find some way to push through it, even if it seems weird and crummy in the story itself.

But I find I can’t do that with TAK. So the question becomes: where do I go from here?

I’ve figured out where it all went wrong. I had the main characters depart on a job in a small town which lead them to the remaining group of main characters. Only now that it’s been a few months (okay, almost a year) since I wrote that I can see that it was unnatural. I wasn’t truly in the mind of my characters and the story-line suffered for that. Of course, this made me feel like those forty pages I had written since were useless and I rejected doing anything to it.

So it sat.

And sat.

And sat like a fat cat on a chair. (I just wanted to write that)

cat

It’s not on a chair, but you get the idea

Now I can feel that itch in my fingers: the one that wants me to just sit at a desk all day and type frantically. The one that wants to get the story out of my head and into the world.

I have a few issues with that which are making this itch hard to scratch.

Issue 1: I have a Day Job. While this day job has been incredibly sloooooooow lately and I’ve been way up to date on all my work, I’ve been using the time to work on my courses.

Issue 2: I’m a crazy person working full time and taking two classes online. Both of these classes are ridiculously heavy with the classwork. I have weekly discussions, two group assignments, 2 tests and an exam. And that’s just what I remember.

Issue 3: I’m a parent. This means I have limited time and I can’t just lock myself away in my office (which is super cold all.the.time. for some stupid reason) without drowning in guilt.

So these are my issues. I need some tissues. (HA! I’m a bit delirious. I got out of bed earlier than normal today).

Those who write and somehow manage to balance a life, how do you do it? Any tips to spare? I’m usually great at self-motivation but I could use some extra support right now.

glasses

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Mindful Musings #195

mindful-musings

Hurry, hurry

The finish line is in sight.

Hurry, hurry

Almost there!

Hurry, hurry

Just reach – streeeetch – out a hand.

Hurry, hurry

Fall face down.

Hurry, hurry

But there’s no time to waste.

Hurry, hurry

Get back up, dust off, ignore the scraped knees

Hurry, hurry

And race, run, roar

Hurry, hurry

To the goal.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 3 comments