lack of time

Poetry in the Bathtub

It’s been quite some time since I just wrote what I’ve been up to. I wish I could say that everything has just been so fabulous I was too busy having fun to write. It’s really been as I’m sure you suspect: stressful and busy.

Major Life Happenings

There have been a few, what I would consider, major changes in my life in the last six months that have lead me to feeling overwhelmed and extremely tired. They are as follows:

  • Husband gets a job in a city 2.5 hours away. This means he needs to rent an apartment (sadly, with strangers) pay rent and only be able to come home on weekends.
    • This has lead me to acting as a single parent of two very high energy, and one very high emotional needs, children. Boys, to be specific.
  • A coworker got a new job in an awesome, stable position. I react to this change in a very surprising, not-so-great way. I’m still surprised at my own reaction to this news.
  • There are extreme issues at my eldest sons daycare which lead me to pulling him from it and placing myself in an extremely stressful and awkward situation.

I am happy to report that most of these issues are being dealt with. My sons childcare issues have just been resolved in the last week with changes to begin in January 2018. Tomorrow is the last day of school for the year and I should be sitting pretty. I’m grateful to have such an accommodating workplace because I know I wouldn’t have been able to keep my job in light of the impact it has had on my work schedule.

The reaction I had to my coworker departing is being dealt with. I surprised even myself with how I initially took the news. It was mostly due to shock, but there were underlying concerns as well. I am meeting with my counsellor again and we’re addressing it. I have yet to write the departing coworker into a short story where I kill them off and satisfy my unhappiness.

My husband being absent is another thing. This is the right move for our family as he now has an amazing job that he feels confident he will be happy in for the rest of his working life. We plan to move out closer to his job at the end of the school year, so I only have 6 more months of living like this. It’s not what I envisioned myself doing, for sure, but it’s a necessary evil.

Behold My Field of Fucks, and See that it is Barren

This has all done a number on my empathy and patience level for bullshit. I have none left. My tolerance is at an all time low and I’m actively working on mindfulness activities so that I don’t blow my top over stupid stuff. Where does that lead me? Why, it leads me to writing poetry in my bathtub on a Thursday evening.

After my board meeting ended earlier than expected I had attempted to arrange a hang out. Sadly, it wasn’t to be so I came home with really nothing to do. Usually a bath makes me happy but my tub is absolute shite and I can’t wait to move. Still, into the tub I went, writing poetry and this post on my tablet on the side of the tub. I really want one of those things that goes across the tub so you can write more naturally. I will spend hours in the tub if you’d let me.

I’ve also started journaling again. On paper, privately, where I can get out my innermost thoughts without offending the general population. Once I am done with my board meetings I hope to actively write TAK again. I haven’t touched it in a year and I’ve been dreaming of new direction to take it. I so badly want to give it my attention. Perhaps a throw-away character who very closely resembles the coworker who abandoned me will show up only to be disposed of quite spectacularly. That is still up for debate.

But most of all, I want to be still. I want to be rested. I want to have less stress. I want to be able to call the babysitter because I’m going out to a movie or a drink with a friend. I want to be able to put my kids to bed and devote the next three hours to working on my book. I want to be able to read a real, physical book and not worry that I actually have a million things I should be paying attention to.

Perhaps the new year will show me a new outlook. 2017 has been very difficult and I most certainly could use a break.

Here’s crossing my finger, my toes and my eyes and 2018 comes with renewed passion and energy.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

12 Months is a Long Time

And I’m already losing my mind about it.

For those of you who don’t know, my husband has been attending college for the last two years after releasing from the military. These last two years have been a struggle, both financially and emotionally for a variety of reasons.

Finally, it appears as though there is light at the end of the tunnel! On August 1st he starts a job with a really good company as a work experience student! Provided he passes the placement (which he should) and gets hired on in November, the company offers really good benefits, competitive wages and a whole host of other awesomeness.

Ah, now Sarah, where’s the catch? You all know me so well.

Of course, things can’t be that smooth. The major catch is that this amazing job is in another city approximately 2.5 hours away from where we currently live. This isn’t a commuting kind of deal.

He’s found a room to rent, sadly with strangers because we just couldn’t find someone through a mutual friend, and he’ll try to come home on weekends. We will not be able to relocate to this place for at least a year due to educational commitments on my end and with our son attending programs to help with his behavioural issues.

So this means, for the next 12 months (at least), I will be carrying the emotional burden of a single parent. Yes, I will be receiving his income, but all of the day-to-day duties will fall upon my shoulders.

Needless to say, my friends, I am going to be stressed to shit for the next year. I’ve already been less than sympathetic and understanding to others lately and people really shouldn’t expect that to change. Simply put: I have too much shit going on to care.

At this point, all I can do is hope that my boys are able to cope with their missing father as best as they can. That the fights, the yelling and the taunting each other diminishes at least a bit. I’ve got a lot of shows queued up on Netflix, I’ve got some video games to play and I’ve got the desk ready for my homework. I’ve got some workout exercises ready to go because I’m going to have far too much time.

Unless you’re my wife or my sister, don’t expect me to have too much time for you. The only real exception is my son’s former JK teacher.

I haven’t even been able to write on here as frequently as I wanted, although that’s a whole new ball of wax.

Who knows? Perhaps I will have more time to write on here because I’m just so goddamn efficient at getting everything else done.

I can be pretty amazing.

Just sit back, world, and watch me rock this show.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Mindful MusingsThe time was made for you. Could the time be made for me?

Mindful Musings #1
Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

2016….You're Better, Right?

Yesterday I spent some time rearranging my desk top figures. I’ve posted pictures of them before. Perhaps I shall post a picture again later. Work has been starting out relatively smooth. Nothing earth-shattering or terrible has happened.

I learned a workshop I was going to hold through work is most likely cancelled. That makes me a bit sad, but it’s okay. I haven’t truly started doing any work on it, so if it is indeed cancelled there is no time out of my life that has been spent on it.

Still haven’t written much. I’ve been watching “Making a Murderer” on Netflix (Only on episode 3. Keep your spoilers to yourself! :P) and I’ve been rewatching “Kara no Kyoukai” (The Garden of Sinners) in the anime world. Both of these shows are hour long episodes/movies. “Making a Murderer” has 10 and “Kara no Kyoukai” has 7 and I recently learned there is an 8th, which is why I’m rewatching them.

2016 has been going well. We have childcare this year when last year we were scrambling. I’m in a job I like and have been for the past four months. Just waiting on that godforsaken payout from my husband’s previous job. I miss my vehicle. I miss being able to leave my worksite at lunch (not that I ever did, but you don’t miss the option until it’s gone). My eldest son has a medical appointment this month and it’s going to be interesting trying to manage that. I can’t take him, I have no vehicle. If my husband is to take him, he has to leave the youngest in care which may end up costing us more.

We’re getting very antsy and stressed lately. My husband mentioned that he would love to just take a vacation with the kids, away from the ‘real world’ but we can’t even do that.

While the pressure mounts and is about to crush us, I am hoping that 2016 remains better than 2015. That was not the beginning of a nice year and I don’t want things to follow that pattern.

I feel as though I’m rambling and can’t gather my thoughts today so I’ll stop there. Maybe something else will come of it all later.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

New Year, New Day

tired

Today is the first day back at my Day Job. It was a really busy holiday season for me. My in-laws came and stayed at our house and my sister-in-law was visiting from England. While she was here my husband went out with his family to see the new Star Wars movie which I think he really enjoyed. This year the eldest kid was really into Christmas. Last year it was an effort to get him to open presents: he just didn’t care. He didn’t want to unwrap the presents and he didn’t care for whatever he was given. This year you couldn’t stop him. He wanted to hand out presents to everyone, we put out milk and cookies for Santa. We kind of forgot Rudolph though, so maybe next year. Now that he is starting to read and is able to recognize names and stuff he was grabbing presents for everyone and trying to hand them out. It was supposed to be my husbands job but I think my eldest really wanted in on it. There were no family arguments, not that there ever are, but playing Uno with these people is dangerous. I wouldn’t recommend it. Unless maybe you all had been drinking a lot 😛

I’ve basically been playing video games all vacation. I got a new one for Christmas from a series I really enjoy. I have another one coming for me too. It wasn’t released until the 31st of December so I have to wait for it to get shipped to me. Which is fine. I have this other one to play.

I received some books, one of which I’ve now finished, a movie, the first season of a show I like, some small things, a really nice new knife set, a new pair of gloves for kickboxing and some new wraps along with some other things. I also received a new coat, but that is also on it’s way here.

I hope this new year goes a lot better than last year. I am feeling really stretched and at the end of my rope lately. I don’t do the resolution thing, because I can never stick to them. I always overshoot so this year, I’m just going to hope to maintain the status quo and hope it gets better from last year. There are a lot of different contributing factors to that. I haven’t been able to write as much as I want to. There are things I want to do to my stupid house to make it feel more like mine. Since we’ll be living here from now on, I suppose I better get on it. The problem is that everything costs money. We don’t have money right now. We’re still waiting on the payout from my husbands last job so I’m really hoping it gets the hell over here already. I miss having my vehicle. I miss being able to buy a can of damn paint because I want to paint my kitchen. Or getting new towels because ours aren’t that awesome any more. Or even just being able to pay bills without stressing where the money is coming from. I know that time is coming, I’m just getting really impatient waiting for it.

Hope your holidays weren’t too crazy! What have you all been up to during the season? Did anyone go anywhere interesting? Do anything you thought was super fun? Tell me about it! 🙂

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

It's Almost Winter Break Time!

The best thing about working for a post-secondary institution is the winter break. My office is closed on the 24th and we don’t return to work until the 4th of January. This gives me lots of time to spend with my family and a nice long break to chill, bring in the new year and just relax in general. Lots of sleeping in will be had and hopefully the kids will be happy to have us home.

Sometimes they get grouchy when we’re  home too much. They probably get as tired of us as we get of them. It’s good to have that space and that time without each other.

I haven’t been writing very much in the past little bit. Things have been a bit insane with the holiday season, the kids being sick and the husband stressing about school. I haven’t been to kickboxing in 2 weeks which is pretty crappy for me. Hopefully I can make it this Thursday like I want to!

I have been looking into the idea of yoga or Tai Chi or something. I need to be more zen. A lot of my issues are I’m too riled up and don’t know how to relax properly. I’m not very good when I have to do things like this on my own because I’m easily distracted by everything I need to worry about. There is a yoga studio not too far from my house that has led meditation. The problem is the cost is something I can’t afford at the moment.

The husband is still waiting on a payout from his previous job. It’s already 10 weeks over the quoted time. Which is annoying as hell. It’s expected, but annoying.

While I was packing up the gifts I made that need to be shipped I asked my friend if she wanted any pictures of my kids. I feel I have to ask because I don’t want to just force pictures on people hahaha. She’s my best friend and she was all excited for pictures. I’ll have to send some to my in-laws and ask if they could print them out. I suppose I could just go to WalMart and do it, but the cost! THE COST!

I will need to print some photos out for my dad as well. He’s asked for some and really, he doesn’t have any. It’s weird to trust in him and send him pictures when it’s been so long. But as the least crazy of my parents and the only one willing to be an adult, I’m okay with it. I don’t have any pictures of him so the kids don’t know who he is at this moment, but that’s okay. I’d like our relationship to get a bit better before I start telling my young children of a grandparent they will probably never see. That’s what happens when you live provinces away. It’s too expensive for us to go out there and I doubt he’d be coming out our way any time soon. He does have responsibilities and children to look after.

But I digress.

I was thinking of writing another short about Edessa, the one of the main female leads in TAK. I wrote about her family before in Skeletons in the Closet (Remember, this story has crazy amounts of objectionable content) but I think telling the story on how she left the family would be good as well. There won’t be time in the main story to get that out there.

So sit tight my pretties, I shall work on it!

ALSO! THIS IS POST 200!!!! Thank you for reading with me!

Miso-Happy-4

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

I Came, I Participated, I Left

If you’ve been following me at all lately you’ll know that I was going to a group therapy meeting last week for people with Depression and Anxiety.

I was hella nervous going because that’s my anxiety and it’s just ‘normal’ nerves at that point.

It was a nice place. It took place in an old house in a library. There were couches, a fireplace, and books. Obscene amounts of books. The people there were really nice. One of them is going to be our facilitator going forward.

Will I go back? I don’t know. I learned that there are those out there struggling with something I can’t even begin to imagine. While I am certain that my issues are very real, I do not have to be on disability. I am not living with any parental figures.

I came to understand that I need more than just a group discussion. I need personalized plans. I work better that way. I was able to go to kick boxing for the first time in a month and I felt absolutely fresh afterwards. I think a lot of my issue was the fact that I was under immense pressure with no outlet. I have managed to convince my husband to allow me to keep my subscription for my kick boxing class. As long as I go at least four times a month it will pay for itself.

So where do I go from here? Perhaps I need to make contact with my employee assistance program and source out a personal counsellor. I don’t think I need intensive therapy like I did in university and I also don’t think I require medication.

The pressure I am under is immense and real. I need real tools to combat the concerns I have and someone external to hold me accountable for completion.

It’s a long and potentially slippery slope that I’m on right now. But I can climb it.

In other news, we’ve taken one of our vehicles off the insurance and I now walk home from work. We’re trying to save money while we wait for the payout to come. As you may also know, I live in Canada. Which means it’s freaking winter right now. Goddamn is it cold! I have to pull my snow pants out this weekend so I don’t freeze on my way home. Good thing I have a tolerance for the cold. It’s not a super high one, but it’s  better than most people.

Also, using a gift card my in-laws gave me for my birthday I got a perm done! It’s already fallen out but the remaining body looks fabulous. I am still happy with it.

In the meantime, work continues to be done on TAK. Just little bits here and there. Puttering along. Keep your eyes peeled for a new short! I should have that one done next week!

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Confessions of a Working Parent: Lack of Time

There is never enough time in a day.

We get up at 6:30am, well, really get up at 6:45am but who’s paying attention.

Hurry hurry. Shower, dry hair. Get dressed. Feed kids. Wait, did we get both of them up? Could you eat any faster? No, we don’t have time for your meltdown over the fact that your sandwich is only in 2 triangles and not 17 billion.

Moving faster and faster. Inhale that cereal/oatmeal/milk/whatever the hell we gave you.

I don’t eat breakfast.

Are you done? Good. It’s time for shoes. Stop pushing your brother. Stop trying to smack each other in the head. Get your boots on. Get your coat on. Where are your mitts? Did you grab your bag? Don’t forget your lunch!

Out the door. Let’s hurry to the car/truck. Get in! Get in! Hold still while I buckle you. Yes, your bag is in the back. No, your brother is going with Dad like he has been every day for the past two months.

Through the inane jabbering, the stupid noises, the crazy parenting we make it out the door. Rush to the daycare. Basically throw the kid into the fray. No, I do not have time to sit and watch as you move slowly like molasses to take your outdoor stuff off and put your indoor stuff on. I have to go to work. Now.

Hurry back to the truck. Get to work to sit at a computer all day. Worry about money. Worry about school and kids and supper! What the hell are we eating tonight?!

Here comes 4:30pm. Rush out the door. Rush to the daycare to be greeted by a meltdown because he doesn’t want to go home. Screaming and crying now. Please just get your bag. We need to go home. There is supper to be made/eaten. Baths to be had.

Roll up to the house and unceremoniously dump everything outside the truck and rush inside. Please hurry up and take your boots off already. Grab your lunch bag. It needs washing.

Hurry up and eat. Hurry up and put your dishes away.

Hurry up.

One kid goes to bed and the other demands all attention. Still no rest. Finally, big one goes to bed. There is now 2 hours left before parents need to go to bed.

Where is the time?   Where is the ease? It’s rush, rush, rush. I am so mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. There is no ‘me’ time. There is no ‘parent’ time.

A babysitter? Have you heard how much those things cost?

It’ll get better. it has to. Time management may need to be revisited.

But honestly. Make my workday just 2 hours shorter and life would be so much easier.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Returning So Soon…?

It’s kind of my lunch break right now at work so I wanted to write a proper post.

I’ve been asked before why I write. I have been writing since I was in my early teens for a lot of reasons. Sure, the stuff I wrote then wasn’t amazing, but it was good enough. Even now, I am my own worst critic and I have issues taking constructive criticism. I try to get edits done by people I don’t know personally  because then any criticism can be taken better.

Since I started my new job and my husband has been gearing up for his inevitable return to school, I found myself wondering what I would do. I am surrounded by extremely skilled and intelligent people at my new workplace and I’m finding it a bit hard to maintain my self-confidence. Without having time to write I am feeling more and more bogged down by all my “can’ts”. Rational brain realizes that this will pass and it’s just a matter of getting comfortable with my co-workers and identifying my place within this organization. My irrational brain does not realize this and consistently drags me down.

However, the sadder I get the stronger the creative juices flow and I am reminded of why I started writing in the first place.

I didn’t have the best childhood and I’ve beaten that topic to death. But I started writing as some form of self-therapy. I spent a lot of time when I was younger in a depressed state and it was then that I wrote, what I consider, some of my best. It’s as if I need that conflict to create and I don’t like that. I am in a great place and I want to continue writing TAK but I’m having so many issues just getting to it that it’s driving me crazy. My laptop is toast. My tablet is alright but the Bluetooth keyboard is less than responsive. The word-processing program on my tablet is also less than desirable. I want a new tablet and now I am just waiting for the funds because apparently I can’t have cheap taste lol.

Keep your eyes peeled because I will be reducing my book, Black & Red, to FREE in the coming weeks. It’s time. It’s been out for 2 years already.

Until then, brace for the coming Fall, best season ever!

Posted by Sarah Jayne in My Book Stuff, 0 comments

This is actually a test

I noticed I was having some issues with my Facebook plugin so I’m hoping I fixed them. This post is really just to check that.

In other news, I am hoping to get a Microsoft Surface! With the keyboard/case thing! That will really allow me to get back on track with writing TAK. In the meantime, if you need a fix, go here and check out my short stories.

Bear with me while I work out these kinks in life. Thanks for sticking with me! Enjoy!

Posted by Sarah Jayne in My Book Stuff, 0 comments