Quantifying My Existence

Everything in life is a measurement. Your age, the ticking of the clock as time passes, the effort you put into your day. We exist here on this planet in this galaxy in this universe. What effort have you put in? What does it matter? Who are we trying to impress by bleeding and sweating our lives away? Are we trying to impress friends? Lovers? Parents? Ourselves?

I find that I am constantly and almost desperately trying to measure myself and my contribution on a regular basis. Have I done enough? Will I be remembered when I’m gone? Will people remember me when I’m gone?

I’m only 32 and yet I think like this on a regular basis. But who am I trying to impress? My kids will remember me. They have no choice. You don’t have an obnoxious mother like myself and then simply forget about her. Same with my poor sod of a husband. The guy will never forget me, even if he wants to.

It’s not like I’m ill and I’m going to die tomorrow. It’s not like I’m one of those people who expects to get crushed by the roof of the mall when I’m shopping (That has happened to people in my country before, though. It was devastating). Perhaps it’s because where I currently am in writing TAK.

There is a lot of death in this book. Some of it is symbolic death. Some of it is true, honest death. There is a lot of soul-searching as the characters try to figure out who they are and what they can offer. Granted, their world is tougher than ours. Well, tougher than the life I lead in my country. There are countries in our world right now who have been dealing with wars for longer than I’ve been alive.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I published Black & Red before I was certain it was ready. I  was just so desperate to have something out there, in the world, for others to read and realize that I existed. That the story had been crafted by a human being and although the ending may leave much to be desired, it was still something that was agonized over.

Perhaps it is just too goddamn early on a Monday morning to be introspective. I shall end my ramblings here today and continue on with work. 6 minutes to go until I have to be ‘on’.

Happy Monday, suckers like I who are working. And screw you guys who are all at home without work or responsibilities 😉


Mary Poppins is the shit.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in My Book Stuff, Rantings, 2 comments


Happy Monday everyone!

Does anyone dislike Mondays as much as I do? I wouldn’t say I hate them because there are some Mondays that I actually enjoy. Like the first Monday in a vacation. Or a Monday where a movie or game comes out. Mostly though, I hate Mondays.

My kids have been little energy suckers this weekend. My eldest was pretty funny though. He said some funny things. His gems include: “Grampy is 20 30 THOUSAND years old and he is so big he became a giant and if he is not careful he will crush us.” Another really good one is: “You guys! I TOLD you! Everything is not real!” (Pretty deep for a 5 year old). My personal favourite is: “You’re so great. I’m so proud of you! You’re a genius!” which is what I was told while receiving a great big hug because I told him he could have a cookie.

He really seemed to be on a roll this weekend, that’s for sure. He says most of these things with the most serious face I’ve ever seen on a kid.

While his younger brother isn’t spouting profound statements, he’s causing trouble in his own way. For some reason, this kid likes to strip his pants and his diaper off when he’s in bed. The shirt usually stays on, but he’ll be nekkid from the waist down. And since he doesn’t have mastery over his bladder at 2 years old, this causes him to wake up screaming once he realizes he’s peed his bed. We had things under control for a bit by sticking him in this old onesie we had that is footless. The thing is way too small but his legs and arms could stick out so things were fine. It was done up with a zipper and he hadn’t touched it for a few weeks. Well, of course, the other day he unzipped it, and while it was still on him, ripped off the diaper and tossed it over the side of the crib.

I am grateful that the diapers are empty when he tosses them and that he’s just peeing everywhere instead of something else. But come on! Keep your damn clothes on, kid! WE put his diaper on backwards on Friday and things seemed to be okay. My husband went off to work and *BAM* at 9:00pm the little sucker started screaming because he was wet and naked. The poor little guy. I went into his room and stripped him down. I brought him upstairs to give him a warm sponge bath since I didn’t want to wake him up too much by running the tub. Got him back into some clothes and thought I would rock with him in his chair until he fell asleep before I put him to bed. We rocked for about half an hour before I decided I was also tired and sleeping in that chair wasn’t going to do my any favours. So I took him to my bed and that’s where my husband found us when he came home from work. Aaaaaand my kid was wide awake. Needless to say, it was not a fun night.

We also tried taping his diaper on with electrical tape on Saturday night. He still managed to rip the diaper off. Putting the onesie on backwards was not an option because the collar was too tight. So last night we put the diaper on backwards and used packing tape to cover the tabs and the seams. While he was pantless this morning, HE HAD HIS DIAPER ON! Mission accomplished. For the time being.

In other news, we’re still waiting on the payout. It didn’t come on Friday like I was really hoping to. My tablet has also decided that connecting to the wi-fi and GMail is optional which is really annoying.

I also watched the music video for “Turn Down For What”. Watch it. But not at work.


Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Little Death

Living in Canada and growing up the way I did, I did not have money just waiting for me to go to school. There are quite a few people who have money saved for them by family members or maybe they’re able to work themselves and save their money for when they plan to go to University, College or Trades School.

However, like a lot of Canadians, I needed student loans. There are a variety of reasons for this such as having parents who did not think that far ahead, did not have the capability to save for me to pursue post-secondary school because they were so busy just trying to survive and keep my brother and I alive. I was not able to just work and save because more often than not my money was required to go back into the house in some shape or form. So I borrowed from student loans.

I have been out of school since 2006. This November it will be 10 years since I was in University; 10 years since I tried a semester at College and wasn’t able to complete because I was just so done with the whole education scene. 10 years since I have done formal full-time education.

And I still owe $10,000.

That might not seem like a lot, but it means I’ve only paid off approximately $15,000 since I left school. They are killing me with interest. I cannot afford to pay any more than I already am. If things keep going the way they are, I can’t afford to keep paying, period.

All these financial issues that will be basically dealt with once that stupid-goddamn-fucking-annoying-as-all-hell-payment comes to us from my husbands last job. This is why I hate waiting for things. I mean, I’m naturally impatient, but it has been 4 months since he left his job. 4 months since he filled out the paperwork for the payment. 4 months when we were told it was going to take 10 weeks. And then we were told it might take an additional 10 weeks. And then we were told maybe at the end of January/beginning of February.

For the record, the letters are drafted to my members of Parliament. You don’t piss off a Sarah. Not if you want to live peacefully.


Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

The Start of a Legend?

In case you haven’t seen the news, or you don’t follow the news in Canada, we elected a new Prime Minister last night.

Justin Trudeau, son of famed Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, and his Liberal Party won the elections. This is a big deal up here in the Great White North because it is demonstrating a departure from our past. For the last ten years Stephen Harper and his Conservatives have been in power in Canada.

I don’t follow politics. I find that it is difficult to keep the stories straight and to understand exactly what is going on. By that, I mean I don’t follow the politicians. I try to follow the causes and I try to keep informed about policies.

I am glad that Stephen Harper and his Conservatives are gone. In this last election there were some issues and concerns that were brought up that I was not happy with. The Barbaric Culture Practice Hotline was disgusting. The whole controversy surrounding the niqab was also disgusting. The sad this now is that these two issues will be the legacy the Conservative Government leave behind. Partnering with the Fords from Toronto was also a bad idea. They stand for all the misogynistic, double-sided bullshit that many Canadians don’t approve of or appreciate.

I didn’t vote for Justin Trudeau, but I am glad he is Prime Minister. Anyone but Harper at this point.

It makes me wonder what direction my country is going to take now. I don’t know if this means things will get better or not. I’ve been feeling the pinch as I am currently the bread-winner in my family. I am supporting two children and a spouse who is pursuing post-secondary school due to a job change. He works part time to help us out. But it’s still a struggle.

I’m paying off a student loan I’ve had for the last 10 years. I’m paying non-subsidized childcare costs for two children. I’m paying a mortgage and paying for bills. I’m buying groceries that only seem to get more and more expensive, even when I buy the brandless options.

Justin Trudeau has claimed he can make it easier for those of us in the middle class. I don’t want a hand out. Yes, the ‘promises’ of more funds for the Child Tax Credit and Universal Child Benefit sound amazing. Honestly though, instead of extra money there, I’d rather my groceries be cheaper. I’d rather my childcare be cheaper while still allowing my dayhome provider to make a living as she should. I would rather my student loan just disappear.

It takes time to change a country. We’ve been moving in one direction for 10 years. I hope people give Justin a chance.

I wish Jack Layton had been alive for this election. I am confident he would have been our Prime Minister. While I voted for Mulcair, he just isn’t Jack. I hope he can find his political presence and when the next election comes I hope he can blow the socks off everyone, just like Jack used to.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments