motherhood

Mindful Musings #175

Mindful Musings

You’re growing up, child.

Your hand slips away from mine

And your loud, boisterous voice

Carries you away.

Every day, every year

You become more of a person

Than when you were the tiny bundle

That would only sleep in my arms.

Bittersweet emotions wash over me

As the joy of watching you grow up

Mingles with the sadness of you leaving.

We’ve still got many years ahead

Of embarrassing Mum episodes

And teenage rebellion.

I’ll cherish these moments

When I’m still your number one.

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

It's the Final Coutdown!

Ooooooh I haven’t posted in so long. Things have been crazy and hectic since the move to Ghostville.

I’ve got a baby due on November 6th, my 3.5 year old attends Junior Kindergarten (stop growing up!) 3 days a week, I FINALLY have a charger for my tablet so I can catch up on my reading, and I’ve applied to University for next year.

Due to the insanity TAK has been put aside for longer than I’d like. This means I’ll have to reread what I wrote to get back in the groove. That’s not a bad thing though. It’s good to refresh your mind.

People are freaking out over NaNoWriMo but I’m not. I’ll be too busy with a newborn to focus on writing.

Life is slightly more organized. The room is ready for the baby, the tiny finishing touches are being placed around the house to make it more of a home.

I’ve realized that living on base is not for me. The people are very nice, but it also feels like living under a microscope. I’ve deliberatly enrolled my son in the Junior Kindergarten in the main town and not on base. I’m looking into childcare for the children when I go to school off-base. My husband and I are also considering sending our kids to school in town and not on base, even if we haven’t moved off-base yet. I think it’s because we spent the first 4 years of our combined lives in the military AWAY from base and that life. I also want my children to be more than base-brats. But that’s just me.

Anyway, I’ve got dishes to do and vacuuming to be done so I shall take my leave.

Thanks to my readers for sticking it out and waiting for my posts 🙂 it’s appreciated.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

30 Until I'm 30!

Well, it’s off by a few days now, but yeah, I’m going to be thirty years old on October 1st (because I’m number 1! [Sorry. I always do that…..]).

I’m actually really excited to turn 30. I know a few of my friends have had borderline meltdowns because they were turning 30 and they just couldn’t believe it. They felt so old, felt like they hadn’t done anything with their lives etc.

While I may feel the same way on a few of those sentiments, I just think it’s awesome to be able to say that I’ve been alive for three decades. DECADES! That’s a long-ass time you know.

Sure, there are a lot of things I wish I had done already. I wish I had completed school, I wish I had had my family earlier and met my husband earlier, but there are a lot of things I can’t change.

Being pregnant at the age of 30 is something I NEVER thought would happen.

As I may have mentioned before, prior to meeting my husband I had decided that I was never going to have children. The person I was with post-high school and through University was not exactly parent material and due to a lot of issues that I had (some I still have) in regards to my own family had me feeling that I would not be adequate in bringing a life into this world and then caring for it.

But as we meet people our lives change, right? I met my husband at the age of 25 and we were married shortly after and got pregnant with our first child extremely shortly after that. I was totally fine with one kid. Sure, with one, you only have to focus on that one little life and their needs and wants. They had zero competition for your love and you don’t have to worry about spreading yourself too thin, comparing your children all the time and maybe inadvertently picking favourites.

After some discussion, we agreed on one more child. Really, it was my husband that wanted another child. He mentioned how he had always seen himself with at least two. It took me a bit to get used to the idea, but I ended up agreeing and we started trying.

And that’s where we initially hit our roadblock. Due to unforeseen problems with work and medical issues I didn’t think we were ever going to have that second child. We talked a lot about it and he too eventually came to terms with the fact that we might have just one. Seeing the cost of raising children, it wasn’t that had to come to terms with that.

After we figured out I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome which causes my hormones to be insane and make it difficult to conceive, I went on medication and we kept trying. I had wanted to be pregnant by January of 2013 so that my child could be born in October which is my month of birth as my son is born in May, which is my husband’s birth-month. It didn’t happen and I could feel time running out.

We had decided to try until I turned 30. I have nothing against women who have children later in their lives, but it’s not for me. I already felt old when I had my son the year I turned 27. My parents were in their extremely early 20’s when I was born so that probably has a lot to do with it. Growing up, the parents of my friends were about the same age as my parents as well. I didn’t want to be 35 and having my child. I felt that would be too many years between the two of them, plus I didn’t want to be ‘old’ when my kids hit their 20’s.

And then, it happened. We managed to get pregnant without seeing a fertility specialist and I’m due to have my final bundle of joy in November of this year. As I write this, I feel as big as a house and I hate that my back hurts and that my clothes don’t fit and that EVERYTHING makes me uncomfortable, but that’s all a part of being pregnant. This is definitely the last time I’m doing this because a) we can’t afford to have more than two children. Really. We can’t. Kids are expensive and I don’t want to bring a child into this world if I’m not confident we can provide a good life for them and b) I am sooooooo getting my tubes tied. Or obliterated. Maybe shredded. Whatever they can do to make sure we don’t accidentally have any additional children. I’ve been told I might need to have another c-section with this child as I had one with my first so I see a specialist next week. I’ll talk it over with them, because I am so not keen on staying in the hospital for three days again. I HATED IT the first time. I don’t want people visiting, I feel gross and the beds are just not up to snuff. I’d rather be at home in my own bed recovering from major surgery like that. Buuuuuut I don’t think my opinion matters too much on that 😛

As I look back on my life as I approach this milestone of turning 30 I am excited for the white hairs on my head and I am looking forward to shouting at people that I am 30 years old so I am allowed to be married with children and NO it’s NOT my fault I look like I’m 12.

Bastards………:P

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

The Things We Teach Our Children

Okay, so I’ll apologize that this has somehow shifted from me talking about my story and my stories that I’m working on and reading to parenting and child-things. I can’t help it right now. I’m gestating and this is what my brain wants to write about.

I may not have a real relationship with my biological parents but as I get ready to bring a second child into this world I unfortunately remember instances when my parents were together or from the time before my mother went crazy (well, it was never formally diagnosed but she HAS to be bi-polar or something because I can’t explain her any other way).

I was thinking of the things I want for my children and this in turn made me think back on the things I learned from my parents.

Good Things:

  • Work hard
  • Be on time
  • Take school seriously
  • Be able to think and do for yourself
  • Be the best that you are capable of (this lesson got warped as I got older, but I’ll remember this part of it)
  • Don’t be afraid to try new things and meet new people
  • If you’ll regret not doing it, do it. If you’ll regret doing it, don’t
  • Family is the most important thing (this was from when I was VEEEEEEEEEERY young as neither of them follow this anymore)
  • Don’t limit yourself
  • You are your own worst enemy. Make friends with yourself.

And the Bad Things:

  • Don’t do drugs in front of your children
  • Your children shouldn’t need to know where to hide your stash if the cops show up
  • Don’t frequent the bar so much your children know the bartenders by name when they call
  • If you are suffering, get help. Don’t take it out on your family
  • Don’t think you can put yourself in a dangerous situation and your children won’t know about it
  • Don’t bring strange men to the house where your teenage daughter lives with you. Especially when these men are creepy.
  • Don’t hold a knife to your chest and threaten to kill yourself when your children are in the room.

And many more.

As I get older and I begin to resemble my parents more and more in the way I talk, act, and look, I fear that I will end up like them. There are many parts of my childhood that were absolutely awful and terrifying that I don’t ever want to put my children through. There were also a few things that were really good and taught me important things. It’s sad that those happened so long ago.

Part of this is self-therapy to get these memories out of my head because as I get further in to my pregnancy I’m finding myself a lot more moody than the last time and I’m dwelling on past things a lot. I can’t really talk about it with my husband sometimes, not because he won’t listen, but because he’s heard it SO MANY DAMN TIMES I fear he’ll just go crazy lol

With that said, I feel much better now. I’m going to focus on the positive and maybe I’ll write a post that’s only about good things to reinforce that.

Back to the Day Job…..someone’s gotta do it.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 4 comments