pain

The Words I Couldn’t Say

I’ll start with an apology.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being a terrible granddaughter.

I was so happy that you knew who I was when I called to wish you a happy birthday today. I had heard the dementia was bad and I wasn’t expecting us to be able to talk. The call was less than 2.5 minutes. You told me you love me; that you’ll always love me. Then you cried.

The last time I heard you cry like that was when you had heart surgery decades ago. If you weren’t ill, I don’t think you would have cried. My grandfather was too proud to cry.

Laughter, anger, humility. Those you could express. For men of our culture and your generation, you don’t cry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I never call. I’m sorry I don’t write or send you pictures of your great-grandchildren. I’m afraid. Afraid that she’ll find them and take them.

I’m sorry you will probably never see me again. I’m sorry that the next time I see you it will be when we inter your body next to my grandmother: your loving wife.

I can’t go back there. When you pass, it will be the last time I go back. I can’t bring myself to be there.

I will try to call more often. I want to, but I’m scared. I’m scared my voice will make you cry again. I’m scared she’ll be the one to answer your phone one day. I’m terrified of the day when you don’t know my voice.

I’m selfish. These are excuses. The fear is real, but I could do more.

Thank you.

Thank you for being the only positive male role model I had growing up. Thank you for taking me to karate, to choir, getting me that wedding singer job, allowing me to live with you when your daughter cast me out.

Thank you for knowing my voice. For telling me that you love me. That you’ll always love me. Those words mean more to me than you will ever realize.

I hope this illness doesn’t ravage you. I hope I was able to be a good granddaughter when I was younger. I hope I made you proud. I hope, as your mind slips away and your body fails you that the memories you have of me are positive. I hope, that when the time finally comes, that you can go in peace.

I love you, Grandpa.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 2 comments

Bye-bye Assholes

So I’ve changed a few things on the site. Not really, but some. Just some small text that most people probably didn’t even know existed.

Since I’ve changed my hosting I haven’t been receiving any harassing comments! I don’t know if this is because these people are just tired and bored and moved on to something more exciting that tearing down my very existence, or if they just haven’t checked what I’m up to. Which is fine by me.

Things were getting pretty bad there for a bit in the Summer/Fall. I’ve been under quite a bit of stress due to school and family matters. It was nice to get a reprieve from assholes, even if it was just for a bit. Now that I’ve typed this I know they’re going to come back and harass me. Part of me wants them to. Like, fuck you, go ahead. Bring it on! But then I remember how awful I feel about myself after they do and realize how fragile I am and I don’t want them to bug me.

Stop

Like, I’m a delicate, effing flower, okay? Just stop stomping the shit out of me already! I don’t even know why you get such fun and glee out of this.

And then I’m reminded of all my failings and short-coming and it makes me go crazy!

Drastic Shift In Conversation

This weekend we’ve got an interview with a potential babysitter and I’ve got two others lined up. Because I like going out with my husband without the kids. Because I have tickets to a concert and he wants to come since my friend bailed. Because we just deserve a damn break. So I have to interview strangers. That’s what happens when you live in a small town that thinks it’s a big town and you don’t know anyone.

Hopefully it works out because BREAK TIME!

Now I’ve got to do some homework for my statistics class and try not to cry too hard because: STATS is SATAN.

via GIPHY

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Mindful Musings #178

Mindful Musings

Eating at my soul,

Devouring my self-esteem,

You rise up again:

A cancer on the heart.

Your existence is like a tumour

I constantly remove

Only to have it regrow

And prey upon my very existence.

I beg for the days of remission

When your poison is purified

From my energy.

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 4 comments

Mindful Musings #101

Mindful Musings

It’s been seven years.

Seven years ago, today.

It’s been longer than that since I’ve heard your voice

The illness took you from us.

Never again will I hear you call me

My girl.’

Never again will I sit with you

While we drink tea in the morning light

Of your kitchen.

You gave me so much

And I fear I gave nothing in return.

It’s been seven years.

The hurt still gnaws at my heart.

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

My Head is Pounding

I know a lot of people who suffer from migraines. I don’t know that I’ve ever had massive migraines per se, but today I definitely have a bastard of a headache. I didn’t even drink last night or something!

Coupled with that is this condition that’s plagued me since I was 18. It only got ‘diagnosed’ when I was in my early twenties. The muscles in my ribs are too close together, so during times of stress, lack of sleep, or just because, they will spasm violently in what I imagine feels like being stabbed repeatedly. Today is one of those days. The knock-off Advil I’ve taken has dulled it, but not removed it. Generally on days like today I curl up in my bed and don’t move.

The spasms don’t happen as often as they used to, but they still happen. It’s been a while since it was this bad though. Normally I can work through it. I’m writing about it today so that I can stop thinking about it. If I explain it enough I can ignore it and function throughout my work day.

On another note, I’ve been using Google Docs for TAK,. Sometimes there feels to be a bit of a delay, but it’s actually pretty good. The problem is trying to write it only during lunch periods at work and not throughout the day. It’s been a bit slow at the Day Job so I don’t want to fall into a bad habit of working on TAK when I should be doing other things. You know how it is: you get a really good scene in your head and you can’t do anything else until you write that sucker down. That level of distraction isn’t good for my work ethic hahaha.

It’s been quite warm here in Canada. Even where I live, in Manitoba, it’s been warm. Aside from the territories and Newfoundland and Labrador, I’m certain Manitoba is the coldest province. It’s flat. It’s windy. The windchill is a bastard. I’ve lived in Alberta, which is pretty cold but Manitoba takes the cake. I even live in the south of Manitoba! So damn flat.

Because of this, the weather is kind of a jerk. We had temperatures of 17°C on Sunday. Now it’s -2°C and there are threats of snow. That’s how you know it’s warm here. When it snows.

I just want to crawl back in my bed, assume the fetal position and not move. Maybe sleep. Maybe read. But most of all, pretend that adulting doesn’t exist.

For now, I will give myself an adulting participation ribbon and be on with my day!

adult-award-ribbons1-640x533.jpg

Both of these are applicable today

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 2 comments