parents

Mindful Musings #34

Mindful Musings

I don’t want to be afraid any more.

I’ve spent my whole life living in fear of you.

Of what you say.

Of what you don’t say.

I fear your existence and how it wraps with mine.

I fear your voice that seems to follow me everywhere.

I don’t want to be afraid any more.

I don’t want to hold on;

Hoping for something that will never be.

It will never be.

We will never be.

Our relationship no longer holds power.

You hold no power.

I’m letting go now.

I hate you

But I forgive you.

I’m sorry you couldn’t love me.

I’m sorry you won’t know who I have become.

I’m sorry you bore me

Some thirty-two years ago.

I don’t want to be afraid any more.

So I won’t.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

Bio-Mom: This is For You

I woke up this morning to a notification on my phone telling me I had a comment to moderate on one of my posts. That had me pretty excited because I like seeing what you all have to say and responding to you. It shows me that you’re really reading what I wrote and you’re interested enough to ask me something.

However, I was not expecting the comment’s author to be who they are. For the first time, I deleted a comment that wasn’t spam and didn’t let it on the site:

Snippet

Here’s a screenshot, for reference

I generally have an open-book approach with comments: unless it’s racist, derogatory, or absolutely cruel I let it through. You want to tell me something about my writing and it’s not a nice thing? If you aren’t a jerk about it I’ll definitely let that comment and my response out for the public.

If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time you’re sure to notice I have ‘mommy’ issues (and ‘daddy’ issues and ‘eating only chips for a meal’ issues).

I’ve had this blog for almost 3 years and, for the first time ever, there was a comment from my biological mother.

It wasn’t even that bad of a comment, it was just her way of dismissing my feelings and writing off my memories as inaccurate, false and unimportant. Again.

I know you’re going to read this. If you want to reach out to me, to open a line of dialogue for the UMPTEENTH TIME can’t you do it a bit nicer?

You tell me that I’m over-exaggerating or completely making up experiences I’ve had. That my memory is false. I could say the same to you. You are not me, you did not live my life. You were there, but you are not me. Just as I am not you and can only interpret and assume how you felt when things happened. Unless a person is told directly, they can only interpret.

You have never taken responsibility for the way things turned out. It has always been someone else’s ‘fault’.

Could you just stop? Please? Unless you want to send me a heart-felt, genuine e-mail explaining things from your point of view (without swearing, blaming me or ranting) and open up to the idea of acceptance, forgiveness and accountability, go away.

This site is public. I can’t stop you from reading it. That’s fine, though, because you can see all the things I’ve done without you. While you did give me a foundation (uneven as it was) I have built the house.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments