relationships

Mindful Musings #221

There is a line.

A barrier.

The ‘we’ who exist on this side of the line

Does not translate to the ‘we’ who exist on the other side.

Pleasantries exchanged

Lead to strange indifference

Beyond the barrier.

The box.

Within

We exist as a whole new set of human beings

With different relationships to others

And to each other.

No matter the one-sided effort

These relationships cannot exist

Beyond a sliver of illusion

On the other side of that line.

That barrier.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments

Mindful Musings #160

Mindful MusingsWhen I don’t want you around I can’t get rid of you.

Like a bad habit you’re always on my mind.

Like a poison you seep under my skin

And taint my blood.

Curses and vitriol spill from your lips

Like a drunken teenager

Who can’t control themselves.

Even in my nightmares

I hear your voice echo in my mind

And haunt me while my skin crawls.

I will never be rid of you.

I would rather remove you

Like the cancerous cyst you have become.

I want to torch those bridges

I knocked down so long ago

So that they can never be rebuilt.

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Musings, 0 comments
Am I Crazy? Maybe…

Am I Crazy? Maybe…

Keeping on with the happiness train I thought I’d talk about some good things that have happened recently.

The Husband landed a summer job that lets him work regular full time hours, Monday to Friday, at almost the same pay I’m getting! This is a huge weight off our shoulders. We can squirrel away money into our savings for when he goes back to full time school in the Fall and for other projects.

Like my next tattoo!

I go for my tattoo consultation on the 29th of June. Super excited for it! It’s just to talk about the idea and placement and such. I’ll also be putting down a deposit and making the appointment for the actual tattoo to happen.

Another great thing is I decided The Husband isn’t allowed to work when he’s in school this next year. Why is that good news, you ask? Because he’s been out of the school-game for so long it was really hard for him to be a student and work part time.

So I’m going to.

I’ve already applied to two jobs and I’m about to submit my application for a third. These are on-call, casual jobs (mostly) that would keep me employed and bring in some extra money without him having to worry about it.

This does mean that I’ll have less time to write TAK but, to be honest, I haven’t touched it in like a month anyway. Things were pretty crazy at my Day Job but it’s toning down again.

Another awesome thing is I submitted my registration request for 2 courses I need to take for the Masters program I want to get into! Once processed, this will cover 2/5 courses I need to take to be eligible for the Masters in Education in Counselling Psychology. That makes me pretty damn happy.

You might be saying: Now Sarah, taking two courses in the Fall, working three jobs (I have a side freelancing job which is good, but unreliable) and being a parent all at the same time? Are you crazy?

The simple answer?

crazy life

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Calculations

Life is a funny thing.

It’s funny in the way it tries to get the best of us. It’s funny in  how it tries to bring us down. How it gives us opportunities just as quickly as it takes them away. We are confronted with hardship and assailed with fortune all at the same time.

People come in and out of our lives for many reasons. The stranger on the bus. The young man in the check-out line. The family member we’ve known since birth.

Many of our meetings and separations are done by our own design. We choose to have those friends in our lives. We choose to strike up a conversation with the stranger on the metro. We choose to cut out those family members who only do us harm.

We don’t choose to lose someone tragically.

In the last fifteen years I’ve been very careful as to how much time and effort I put into a person. I am naturally a caring, somewhat overbearingly so, person. I care about my coworkers. I care about that stranger on the street who looks like they are having a hard time. I care about that family member who has made my life a living hell.

Because I have been burned so many times by friends and family alike, I’ve become jaded. I have spent countless years putting time and effort and energy into a relationship that amounted to nothing but heartache.

When I hear that someone is not doing well or they are dealing with something in their personal life that hasn’t been disclosed to me, I find myself in an interesting position.

Of course, I want to know. It’s the natural curiosity.Also, I want to know if I need to be concerned.

care

I need to figure out how to draw this picture!

That sounds a bit cold, doesn’t it?

But there are lots of things people go through. If it’s health related, I will probably be concerned no matter how trivial or serious it is. If it is personal, then I can generally keep my trap shut.

I do have a problem with chatting though. I talk too much and over-share. It’s fine here, because that’s what this medium is for. It’s not fine in the office. I’m sure my coworkers know more about my than they care to.

It’s one of the things I need to work on.

I can do it!

What’s your biggest weakness?

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 1 comment

Personalities and Characters

When I was a late teen until I was an early twenty-something I dated this guy who was  the most pretentious, ridiculous person I have ever met. For seven years I had a relationship with this guy and I almost married him. I had accepted a ring and plans were being made and everything!

Then one day I left the ring on the table with my keys and left.

It’s an embarrassing time of my life and I don’t like to remember it. He probably doesn’t like to remember it either.

He was a mechanic who wanted to be a doctor or an actor (he couldn’t make up his mind). He drank wine while bitching about the ‘low-brow’ humour that occurred on the shop floor. He was so full of himself watching Frasier and House like he wanted to be those guys it made me doubt my own intelligence.

Even now; I used to think I knew everything about writing but I don’t. Boss and BSP are far more educated than I in that realm. It made me feel like the one thing I had going for me was gone. I know that’s not the case, but it’s hard not to think that way sometimes.

And that reminds me of Brexton and Aldric.

Brexton is a showy, loud, confident guy. He’s probably not the sharpest tool in the shed as he leaves all the strategies and planning to Aldric. He discounts his own intelligence and is comfortable with the fact that there are those who know more than he does. He is happiest in battle, slicing his katana through the air and through bodies. That is his niche and it is where he feels his best. It’s part of the reason his relationship with Dessa broke down. Brexton wasn’t ready to discover who he could be without his sword.

Aldric is not confident. He has confidence in his battle skills, but that’s it. He is the smarter of the two in terms of planning and strategies. He also has more street-smarts than Brexton. But because Brexton shines like such a star, it makes Aldric self-concious. He feels that perhaps he’s too low to keep up with Brexton. It’s like Brexton is the cool popular kid that everyone loves and Aldric is the smart, quiet nerdy guy with no friends. In reality, they are the best of friends because they have traits that compliment each other. Aldric and Brexton have always been together so there’s that fear that they are only together out of habit.

The funny thing is, they both feel that way. Brexton feels like Aldric could do way better than him and that he is only with him because of familiarity and a sense of responsibility. Aldric feels the same way about Brexton. They don’t talk about it, but there’s that awkward concern under the surface.

I love writing scenes when this comes up. They’re both so ignorant with their emotions and that’s because they were never shown how to express them. Maybe that will change by the end of the story. I can’t tell you now though 😉

I channel a lot of my personal experiences in my writing. Of course I do! I don’t know a writer who doesn’t. This is what I know best because I lived it. I am living it. You could probably learn more about me by reading my book/musings than  you could reading a blog post.

It’s enjoyable to write about Brexton and Aldric. I can’t wait to write more! The office is getting painted this weekend and that makes me so happy! Soon, everyone. Soon I’ll be able to lock myself in there for hours on the weekend and just let my fingers fly over the keyboard.

My husband got his new laptop so I’ll be getting his old one. That will make it much easier to type as well.

Enjoy your Tuesday! Try to stay awake! 🙂

Stay-Awake-Funny

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in My Book Stuff, 0 comments

Snow, Snow, Snow!

Here in Manitoba, Canada we laugh when Spring starts to appear. Like most places in Canada March seems to herald in a new season. Snow starts to melt, the sun shines and temperatures rise. Lots of people discard their parkas or other winter coats in favour of lighter Spring jackets and sweaters. There are even people who start wearing shorts! I know 10°C is warm, but come on!

But in Manitoba, we know better. We know this is just a ruse, a trick. It’s not actually Spring yet. We’ve gotten a dumping of snow in May for crying out loud! When I lived in Alberta, it was much the same. I haven’t lived in Saskatchewan before, but since it’s sandwiched between the two, I imagine it’s similar.

So it was no surprise when a fresh, crisp blanket of white greeted me this morning. Flakes were falling gently in the air. Ah, snow. It’s snowing again and we’re liable to get another 2-4cm today.

20160317_073031.jpg

My eldest son was less than impressed. He wanted the green grass and the puddles to come back. Driving to work this morning had us going through 2 intersections. Such is life here.

On a good note, do you all remember that money issue I’ve been bitching about for the last seven months? Of course you do! If there’s anything I do well, it’s complain.

Yesterday afternoon the bank called my husband to inform him that the cheque had been received. Within an hour, it was showing in our account. FINALLY! FINALLY! The money has been received. I no longer have to worry about buying groceries this weekend. I don’t have to worry about paying my mortgage. I don’t have to worry about being able to afford the new socks my kid so desperately needs.

I have been offered lots of support in terms of money to fill the gaps while we were waiting for this goddamn payout. Friends, family, friends that are basically family. While I appreciate it all, I have an extreme aversion to borrowing money. I do not like owing people money. I don’t like owing even a dollar to someone. Being indebted to someone makes me go into extreme anxiety-mode.

I’ve associated owing money to someone as basically giving that person rights  to your life. Like blood money. My rational brain thinks this thought-process is ridiculous. My irrational brain tends to be a bit louder and is like “whaaaaa? NO!”

Other good news is that we are now able to afford those tiny extras we’ve been waiting on. I can paint the office and purchase one of the last pieces of furniture. We paid off my student loan, I paid off the credit card, I repaid my in-laws (they bought us the desk for the office. I’ve been in agony ever since). My husband was able to order the new toy he wanted. Once the credit card recovers from its workout I’ll pay it off again and put the rest of  the money in savings like I planned.

Things are finally looking up. The last seven months have been hell and stress. Things have been tense and no one was happy. Now we can focus on being a family again. My husband and I can afford to go on a date. It is better now. Much better.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Title 1

I can’t think of a great title for this post today and that’s okay.

I was just talking with my co-worker about writing and books and things. He’s got some really awesome insights. It started me thinking on my own book which I am sadly ignoring.

I miss writing. I am hoping to get myself a new tablet in the next little bit to keep up. I want something light with a built in keyboard. I have a tablet now but the keyboard is external and bulky. It suits it’s purpose but it makes it hard to write on.

There is so much I want to say, to write about. I have worlds to develop and systems to figure out. I mentioned before that I was mapping out the end of TAK. It’s an amazing feeling to have an idea of what I want to end it on. I used to think that you had to write a book in succession: beginning, middle, end. That you could’t write the end without knowing what happens in the middle. That may be true, but I now see that if I have an ending I can work on making the middle adapt. That was my problem with TAK. I was starting to lose sight of the middle because I didn’t know the end.

I hope that you are all as excited as I am and that the short stories I’ve been able to post are keeping you satiated for a bit. I will write another one soon. I think I will write about Edessa and her journey from her home and how she came to join the mercenary band. There are also stories of Edessa and Brexton. How they met, how their relationship developed and how it crumbled.

Look forward to it!

Posted by Sarah Jayne in My Book Stuff, 0 comments

Keep on Keepin' On

Phew! Between work, the kids, the house and freelancing, I’m starting to get a bit tired.

Things are going well for the moment. I’ve found relatively steady freelancing work (that’s not a typo) which is helping out. So far brings me in close to $100 a week. That’ll be fun come tax-time, but it’s not so bad. Hopefully I know how to claim it properly.

Haven’t done much work on TAK in a while. Finished the read through and every now and then something pops up in my brain so I write it down in a book I started taking everywhere. I’ve mapped out a good deal of the ending and middle now, which is awesome! I was getting so stuck on where I should be going next that I was missing a lot of awesome character-development points.

I’d still like to get Black & Red into a hard copy. I know I can do that through Amazon and CreateSpace but I haven’t had time to deal with the upload of the file etc. My laptop has bit the dust, hard. I can’t even use it unless I use an external keyboard which is painful. I might look into a cheapy little thing. I’d like an ultrabook or Surface, I think. But no money for that right now so it’s just a dream.

Been a bit sick lately; probably from stress, work, kids, weather-change etc. The husband and I are going to try and squirrel away some money to hire a babysitter for a couple hours or so. We haven’t had any ‘us’ time and we’re getting pretty worn out because of it. We don’t do much, but we’ll probably go for like an afternoon to troll the mall and eat at the food court. Maybe watch a movie. Babysitters cost money so we might not be able to do it until November and his work schedule changes a lot since he works part time so hopefully we can squeeze a date in before it gets too cold out.

It’s almost my birthday! The video game I want comes out after the actual day but I hope I get to get it. My husband gave me my present already since my birthday falls on a weekday this year.

One of these days I’ll be able to afford my cottage in the mountains of Jasper where I’ll sit writing all day and having a bonfire outside. If only things didn’t cost money! We do have a fire pit in our backyard but the previous owners were dicks so it probably isn’t up to code. Maybe we can fix it up for next year.

Anyway, time to work the Day Job. Lunch break is over!

Posted by Sarah Jayne in My Book Stuff, 0 comments