school

The Spring is a Lie

It’s been a while since I dropped a line here. It’s a balmy -5 (Feels like -12) here in Manitoba. My poor kid keeps asking when spring is going to get here. There’s snow on the ground and ice everywhere. For someone from southern rural Ontario, these temperatures at this time of year are not fun. Here’s a super condensed version of what the hell I’ve been up to in the last few months:

Shit I’ve Done

There have been some changes in personnel at work with people leaving for other opportunities or retirement. The team of 9 when I started is now a team of 5. I’m adapting to the changes, but it doesn’t mean I like them.

I’ve sold my house in the town I live in and have bought a bigger house in a smaller town further away from where I am now. I can work from home, so my job is not in jeopardy. This smaller town should allow my family to slow down and take a breath. It’s been almost a year since my husband went to live and work in a city 2.5 hours away. There have been some struggles on my end but we’re all surviving.

I’m listening to the All-Out 90s playlist on Spotify and I still know all the words to all these songs. The 90s was just last week anyway, right?

I had a coffee date last night with a former coworker/current friend for the first time in a while. I always appreciate when he makes time to hang out with me. I miss working with this guy and I’m jealous of his success, but I also support him 100% and will fight anyone who tries to bring him down. Because I’m a ninja and you don’t mess with my friends.

I’m scattered and all over the place but that’s just how I am. There’s not much I can, or want, to do about it.

Shit I Plan to Do

With the end of classes means I have more time on my hands. More time to write, I hope. I’ve been playing around with Pressbooks and have uploaded some short stories from TAK on there. Considering using Pressbooks as my platform for TAK as a whole when I’m ready. Still undecided on that at the moment.

After we move, I want to buy a free standing heavy bag so I can get back to kickboxing. I will be the cool kid who kickboxes in her basement to old DVDs. I need to get back in shape (I’ve been saying this for….10 years now?) and I think this is the best way I’ll be able to.

I have a house to pack. I’ve packed around 11 boxes so far and they’re only books and I still have 2 bookshelves to pack.

Next Friday I take the final exam of my undergraduate career. It’s a scary moment because after this it’s time to apply for the Master’s program I’ve been working towards for the last 3 years. It’s scary because it’s the end of an era: a way of life. It’s scary because there is no guarantee I’ll even get into the program. It’s also scary because damn: what do I do from here?

I have a tattoo appointment because tattoos are life.

The Joy and the Madness

I’ll probably be more active on here again since I’ve found myself with the time. I’ve been pretty active on Twitter in the last little bit. Tweeting about mental health and being a lovable idiot when it suits me.

I also dyed my hair. Because I’m fun like that.

Aw. Aren’t I just precious?

I’ve also remembered that I fit into t-shirts made for children. Specifically, I can wear an XL (or size 14) in boys. This means I get to wear sweet-ass shirts like this for $8 and no tax:

I am going to buy more because they are amazing.

And thus ends the randomness of my day. I’ll be back to posting musings and perhaps more about my book.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Poetry in the Bathtub

It’s been quite some time since I just wrote what I’ve been up to. I wish I could say that everything has just been so fabulous I was too busy having fun to write. It’s really been as I’m sure you suspect: stressful and busy.

Major Life Happenings

There have been a few, what I would consider, major changes in my life in the last six months that have lead me to feeling overwhelmed and extremely tired. They are as follows:

  • Husband gets a job in a city 2.5 hours away. This means he needs to rent an apartment (sadly, with strangers) pay rent and only be able to come home on weekends.
    • This has lead me to acting as a single parent of two very high energy, and one very high emotional needs, children. Boys, to be specific.
  • A coworker got a new job in an awesome, stable position. I react to this change in a very surprising, not-so-great way. I’m still surprised at my own reaction to this news.
  • There are extreme issues at my eldest sons daycare which lead me to pulling him from it and placing myself in an extremely stressful and awkward situation.

I am happy to report that most of these issues are being dealt with. My sons childcare issues have just been resolved in the last week with changes to begin in January 2018. Tomorrow is the last day of school for the year and I should be sitting pretty. I’m grateful to have such an accommodating workplace because I know I wouldn’t have been able to keep my job in light of the impact it has had on my work schedule.

The reaction I had to my coworker departing is being dealt with. I surprised even myself with how I initially took the news. It was mostly due to shock, but there were underlying concerns as well. I am meeting with my counsellor again and we’re addressing it. I have yet to write the departing coworker into a short story where I kill them off and satisfy my unhappiness.

My husband being absent is another thing. This is the right move for our family as he now has an amazing job that he feels confident he will be happy in for the rest of his working life. We plan to move out closer to his job at the end of the school year, so I only have 6 more months of living like this. It’s not what I envisioned myself doing, for sure, but it’s a necessary evil.

Behold My Field of Fucks, and See that it is Barren

This has all done a number on my empathy and patience level for bullshit. I have none left. My tolerance is at an all time low and I’m actively working on mindfulness activities so that I don’t blow my top over stupid stuff. Where does that lead me? Why, it leads me to writing poetry in my bathtub on a Thursday evening.

After my board meeting ended earlier than expected I had attempted to arrange a hang out. Sadly, it wasn’t to be so I came home with really nothing to do. Usually a bath makes me happy but my tub is absolute shite and I can’t wait to move. Still, into the tub I went, writing poetry and this post on my tablet on the side of the tub. I really want one of those things that goes across the tub so you can write more naturally. I will spend hours in the tub if you’d let me.

I’ve also started journaling again. On paper, privately, where I can get out my innermost thoughts without offending the general population. Once I am done with my board meetings I hope to actively write TAK again. I haven’t touched it in a year and I’ve been dreaming of new direction to take it. I so badly want to give it my attention. Perhaps a throw-away character who very closely resembles the coworker who abandoned me will show up only to be disposed of quite spectacularly. That is still up for debate.

But most of all, I want to be still. I want to be rested. I want to have less stress. I want to be able to call the babysitter because I’m going out to a movie or a drink with a friend. I want to be able to put my kids to bed and devote the next three hours to working on my book. I want to be able to read a real, physical book and not worry that I actually have a million things I should be paying attention to.

Perhaps the new year will show me a new outlook. 2017 has been very difficult and I most certainly could use a break.

Here’s crossing my finger, my toes and my eyes and 2018 comes with renewed passion and energy.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

12 Months is a Long Time

And I’m already losing my mind about it.

For those of you who don’t know, my husband has been attending college for the last two years after releasing from the military. These last two years have been a struggle, both financially and emotionally for a variety of reasons.

Finally, it appears as though there is light at the end of the tunnel! On August 1st he starts a job with a really good company as a work experience student! Provided he passes the placement (which he should) and gets hired on in November, the company offers really good benefits, competitive wages and a whole host of other awesomeness.

Ah, now Sarah, where’s the catch? You all know me so well.

Of course, things can’t be that smooth. The major catch is that this amazing job is in another city approximately 2.5 hours away from where we currently live. This isn’t a commuting kind of deal.

He’s found a room to rent, sadly with strangers because we just couldn’t find someone through a mutual friend, and he’ll try to come home on weekends. We will not be able to relocate to this place for at least a year due to educational commitments on my end and with our son attending programs to help with his behavioural issues.

So this means, for the next 12 months (at least), I will be carrying the emotional burden of a single parent. Yes, I will be receiving his income, but all of the day-to-day duties will fall upon my shoulders.

Needless to say, my friends, I am going to be stressed to shit for the next year. I’ve already been less than sympathetic and understanding to others lately and people really shouldn’t expect that to change. Simply put: I have too much shit going on to care.

At this point, all I can do is hope that my boys are able to cope with their missing father as best as they can. That the fights, the yelling and the taunting each other diminishes at least a bit. I’ve got a lot of shows queued up on Netflix, I’ve got some video games to play and I’ve got the desk ready for my homework. I’ve got some workout exercises ready to go because I’m going to have far too much time.

Unless you’re my wife or my sister, don’t expect me to have too much time for you. The only real exception is my son’s former JK teacher.

I haven’t even been able to write on here as frequently as I wanted, although that’s a whole new ball of wax.

Who knows? Perhaps I will have more time to write on here because I’m just so goddamn efficient at getting everything else done.

I can be pretty amazing.

Just sit back, world, and watch me rock this show.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Bye-bye Assholes

So I’ve changed a few things on the site. Not really, but some. Just some small text that most people probably didn’t even know existed.

Since I’ve changed my hosting I haven’t been receiving any harassing comments! I don’t know if this is because these people are just tired and bored and moved on to something more exciting that tearing down my very existence, or if they just haven’t checked what I’m up to. Which is fine by me.

Things were getting pretty bad there for a bit in the Summer/Fall. I’ve been under quite a bit of stress due to school and family matters. It was nice to get a reprieve from assholes, even if it was just for a bit. Now that I’ve typed this I know they’re going to come back and harass me. Part of me wants them to. Like, fuck you, go ahead. Bring it on! But then I remember how awful I feel about myself after they do and realize how fragile I am and I don’t want them to bug me.

Stop

Like, I’m a delicate, effing flower, okay? Just stop stomping the shit out of me already! I don’t even know why you get such fun and glee out of this.

And then I’m reminded of all my failings and short-coming and it makes me go crazy!

Drastic Shift In Conversation

This weekend we’ve got an interview with a potential babysitter and I’ve got two others lined up. Because I like going out with my husband without the kids. Because I have tickets to a concert and he wants to come since my friend bailed. Because we just deserve a damn break. So I have to interview strangers. That’s what happens when you live in a small town that thinks it’s a big town and you don’t know anyone.

Hopefully it works out because BREAK TIME!

Now I’ve got to do some homework for my statistics class and try not to cry too hard because: STATS is SATAN.

via GIPHY

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Need to Scratch

I’ve been thinking a lot about TAK lately. I wasn’t satisfied where I had stopped it last time. I found myself up against a wall; unsure how to move the story forward. My next concern was how I got myself in that hole. This hasn’t ever really happened before. Usually when I hit a wall I just find some way to push through it, even if it seems weird and crummy in the story itself.

But I find I can’t do that with TAK. So the question becomes: where do I go from here?

I’ve figured out where it all went wrong. I had the main characters depart on a job in a small town which lead them to the remaining group of main characters. Only now that it’s been a few months (okay, almost a year) since I wrote that I can see that it was unnatural. I wasn’t truly in the mind of my characters and the story-line suffered for that. Of course, this made me feel like those forty pages I had written since were useless and I rejected doing anything to it.

So it sat.

And sat.

And sat like a fat cat on a chair. (I just wanted to write that)

cat

It’s not on a chair, but you get the idea

Now I can feel that itch in my fingers: the one that wants me to just sit at a desk all day and type frantically. The one that wants to get the story out of my head and into the world.

I have a few issues with that which are making this itch hard to scratch.

Issue 1: I have a Day Job. While this day job has been incredibly sloooooooow lately and I’ve been way up to date on all my work, I’ve been using the time to work on my courses.

Issue 2: I’m a crazy person working full time and taking two classes online. Both of these classes are ridiculously heavy with the classwork. I have weekly discussions, two group assignments, 2 tests and an exam. And that’s just what I remember.

Issue 3: I’m a parent. This means I have limited time and I can’t just lock myself away in my office (which is super cold all.the.time. for some stupid reason) without drowning in guilt.

So these are my issues. I need some tissues. (HA! I’m a bit delirious. I got out of bed earlier than normal today).

Those who write and somehow manage to balance a life, how do you do it? Any tips to spare? I’m usually great at self-motivation but I could use some extra support right now.

glasses

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Did Someone Order a Headless Chicken?

It’s been far too long since I just wrote a post about myself. I’ve been keeping up with the mindful musings but I haven’t had time to talk about me.

I’m sure you’ve all suspected that TAK has fallen by the wayside again. Indeed, it has. I’ve been quite stuck with it and have been considering rewriting the last few chapters I wrote previously as they just weren’t inspiring me.

Well, on to the life update!

I currently have two jobs. I’m a casual Crisis Counsellor at the women’s shelter where I live. Since I have personal experience with domestic abuse on various levels and I have this desire to help others I wanted to get out there and do more. Also, my husband is in his last year of school and after the debacle with him working last year it was agreed that I would be the one to have a second job.

The busy-ness doesn’t stop there! I have two freelance clients I do odd work for now and then for pocket change. It’s not much, but $20 here and there does add up and can make quite a dent on the credit card.

I am also taking two courses through Memorial University this term. Looking at the weight of the courses I should have only signed up for one but it’s too late now. I’ll work my hardest to get good grades to hopefully increase the chances of getting into my MEd program.

And then there’s the children, Spawn and Hatchling. Spawn has definitely had some behaviour issues that were really excessive in the last few years. It got bad enough in the last six months that I took him for an intake session for behaviour. Now I’m waiting to get a full assessment so I can hopefully figure out how to help him. While we wait, we’re actively going to the Y twice a week. Spawn is involved in 2 programs and I work out on the machines while he participates. I’ve realized, too late, that I have forgotten my iPod at home, however, so  I’m a tad upset about it.

It’s been a bit hard, emotionally, as well. It was my grandmother’s birthday at the beginning of the month and I’ve been getting actively harassed by losers who won’t leave me alone. It seems that ignoring them won’t work and I’d rather not engage their destructive behaviour.

Open to thoughts on that. What have you done to banish ne’er dowells back into the darkness?

nope

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 5 comments

A Day in the Life

It’s been one of those days where I can’t wait for it to be over, and yet I feel like there isn’t enough time left in the day.

Some news, since I’ve been absent, is that I have a second job! This is on top of the free-lance writing I do, which has gotten me another client. I also work in a casual capacity as a Crisis Counsellor at my local women’s shelter. It’s been a learning experience, that’s for sure, but I’ve been able to use past experience when working with our clients.

Between the, four, jobs I have I am also starting two classes this term. These are prerequisite courses for the Masters in Education in Counselling Psychology that I hope to get into when I’m done. I have 5 courses in total so after these 2 I’ll have 3 left. It doesn’t look like I have any exams, yet, so that makes me happy.

The husband is starting his final year of college this fall as well. Our eldest is going to be in grade 1 and our youngest will be 3. It’s a bit crazy at my place right now.

Because it’s crazy, and I honestly have no other excuse, I haven’t touched TAK in months. When I get home from one of my jobs all I want to do is lay on the couch and veg. I don’t want to sit at a desk or with my tablet on my lap and attempt to flesh out more of TAK. It’s a horrible feeling; knowing that there’s this story inside that I can’t do anything about.

Also, not that you can tell, but I’m having a massive issue typing today. I have hit the backspace key so many times! What the hell! I’ve trimmed my nails so that’s not the issue. But honestly, it’s getting irritating.

Things are going well, otherwise. I took my eldest to see the Weird Al concert when it came through my province this summer. My husband took a few days off work and we made a family trip out of it. We went to a children’s museum and the zoo. Went to the park. My in-laws came out on the second day and we all went to the zoo together. It was fun! My eldest had HUGE attitude issues, though. But we’re also working on that.

He’s all registered for 2 programs at the local YMCA that will hopefully help with all the energy he’s got. He’s exhausting. But cute. I think I’ll keep him.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments
Am I Crazy? Maybe…

Am I Crazy? Maybe…

Keeping on with the happiness train I thought I’d talk about some good things that have happened recently.

The Husband landed a summer job that lets him work regular full time hours, Monday to Friday, at almost the same pay I’m getting! This is a huge weight off our shoulders. We can squirrel away money into our savings for when he goes back to full time school in the Fall and for other projects.

Like my next tattoo!

I go for my tattoo consultation on the 29th of June. Super excited for it! It’s just to talk about the idea and placement and such. I’ll also be putting down a deposit and making the appointment for the actual tattoo to happen.

Another great thing is I decided The Husband isn’t allowed to work when he’s in school this next year. Why is that good news, you ask? Because he’s been out of the school-game for so long it was really hard for him to be a student and work part time.

So I’m going to.

I’ve already applied to two jobs and I’m about to submit my application for a third. These are on-call, casual jobs (mostly) that would keep me employed and bring in some extra money without him having to worry about it.

This does mean that I’ll have less time to write TAK but, to be honest, I haven’t touched it in like a month anyway. Things were pretty crazy at my Day Job but it’s toning down again.

Another awesome thing is I submitted my registration request for 2 courses I need to take for the Masters program I want to get into! Once processed, this will cover 2/5 courses I need to take to be eligible for the Masters in Education in Counselling Psychology. That makes me pretty damn happy.

You might be saying: Now Sarah, taking two courses in the Fall, working three jobs (I have a side freelancing job which is good, but unreliable) and being a parent all at the same time? Are you crazy?

The simple answer?

crazy life

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Another Day Among the Living

I’ve been a bit radio-silent the past week. A lot of that is because I was away for work with limited access to my tablet/writing. I haven’t touched TAK in like, 2 weeks, and I’m feeling a bit frustrated.

Everything around me seems to be in chaos. There’s a lot of uneasiness going on in my house while my husband prepares for job interviews and such for the summer. He still has a year left in his college program, but he was given the chance to work for a company in the summer that would potentially hire him when he’s done his program. There’s a lot of unease about this because it’s just a 3 month position. This means in the fall he would once again be unemployed.

Honestly, I’m fine with it.

I would rather be the one to take up a second job than to have him work and go to school. It’s been difficult for him and the boys are in this stage where they love dad the most (kids, amiright?) so with his unpredictable schedule there has been a lot of backlash at home. Especially with our eldest.

Will it mean I’m tired, working two jobs? Well, yeah, probably. I’ve done it before so I’m not concerned. No matter what I’ve done, be it school or volunteering,  I have always done so while working full time in the day.

My time to focus on my needs, educational and recreational, without working will come eventually.

In the meantime, the rest of life is going well. I’m heading up the Rock and Mineral show with a friend of mine tonight. Then we’re going to go out for dinner and maybe some ice cream.

Work is a bit quiet at the time but it will surely pick up as things get moving. I need to get in touch with an academic advisor at the university that accepted me so I can make sure my plan is realistic.

For now, I’ll just focus on what’s happening at this moment instead of stressing about the future.

stress free

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 2 comments

I DID IT!

If you remember, I had talked about applying to university to pick up some prerequisites for a Masters in Education that I wanted to complete.

It took forever, cost a pretty penny trying to get all my transcripts organized, then I had to wait for a paper letter to arrive in the mail before I knew if I was accepted or not. I had been checking on the online application system to see if they had made a decision. Do you know what agony is? Agony is waiting to receive a letter in the mail when you know a decision has been made. Agony is knowing that even if you call they won’t tell you.

But it was worth it.

I have been accepted! I can start classes in Fall 2016! There are 5 courses I need to be able to get into the Masters program. That’s not bad at all!

It feels pretty good to know that I’m that much closer. I mean, I know it’s just undergraduate level at this time and I did apply as undeclared status, but I still like it.

What does this mean?

Imma get SMRT!

Funny Smart

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 3 comments