self-help

All The Feelings

I’ve kind of been on a self-help/self-therapy kick lately, haven’t I?

That’s probably because I’m so overwhelmed and so stressed I can’t even think about my book right now. I still write little bits here and there, but nothing new since my last posts about it. I’ve decided how it will end, which is good. Usually I can’t figure out how to end the story and it ends up a garbled mess. I’m hoping that this map that I’ve figured out will help.

Tonight I am going to be attending a group meeting. I haven’t done any sort of counselling or therapy for 10 years. I am in a new situation where a lot is going on and it’s gotten to a point where I hear those voices again.

You know the voices.

Anyone who has struggled with depression or anxiety knows the voices I’m talking about. My rational brain tends to ignore them, but that brain is getting weaker as the days go by and the stress piles up.

I’ve never been to one of these group meeting things before. I was thinking about it this morning while I was getting ready for work and I felt this wave of anxiety wash over me. It comes and goes in waves and I know it will be fine. I am hoping I will be brave enough to go. I have this wonderful habit of talking myself out of ANYTHING.

In other news, I think I may have found a Masters program I am interested in. The only catch is that it is offered by a University in NEWFOUNDLAND. I live in Manitoba. That is FAR from where I am.

But there’s not much I can do when the schools around me don’t offer what I want. It’s not like I haven’t looked. I don’t have a million  years or obscene amounts of time to prep with schooling to get into a program. For programs near me I’m looking at 5-8 years of school before I can do what I want. With this program, I think I might have to do 1 year of pre-requisites and then the actual program. Most of the pre-requisites are available online, but there are some that are only available in class. I contacted the recruitment department to see if the in-person classes are offered in the Spring/Summer session. I might be able to make it work! We shall see. The Masters program has some courses that are only offered face-to-face so I would have to see how that could work. It would be so nice to finally  have my Masters like I have wanted. It’s a public institution which is also helpful. I would be in school forever and for always if my budget would allow me.

On the other side, I feel so OLD doing more schooling. Realistically, I am not that old. But I still feel like I am. I’ll get over it though hahaha.

Here’s to brighter days ahead!

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It snowed today though 🙂

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

The Haunting Past

I’ve noticed a trend in the books/stories I write.

More often than not, my leading characters have some sort of sordid past that they are trying to escape from. A past that they are trying to claw out of in order to define themselves. More often my leading, and some supporting, characters have issues they have been working on since childhood and most of them are the cause of adults treating them unfairly in some way. Their pasts are mostly brutal and make other uncomfortable knowing about them, but I have a hard time shying away from that.

I watched a TED talk by Nadine Burke Harris about how childhood trauma can affect people even when they are adults.

You can watch the talk here: Nadine Burke Harris TED Talk

I had a pretty rough childhood. Was it as bad as many people out there? Probably not. I saw my share of family violence and withstood my share of abuse growing up. I realize a lot of the decisions I made when I was younger are shaped by the environment I grew up in. I am working on not transmitting that environment to my children and so far it is going good.

But as a writer, and I’m sure many can attest to this, I cling to those emotions. When I write and my characters go through something similar to what I went through I think I do it as some form of self-therapy. But even so remembering those emotions and those situations is hard and it’s easy to get depressed.

Our past will haunt us and while it may seem like it’s difficult to overcome them it’s important to understand that you don’t need to deny that these things happened. You don’t need to walk around pretending that you’re perfect and that your life has and always will be perfect. We are people, and we need to remember that that’s okay. It’s okay to be human.

Here's a cute frog to help you along.

Here’s a cute frog to help you along.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments