stress

Another Day Among the Living

I’ve been a bit radio-silent the past week. A lot of that is because I was away for work with limited access to my tablet/writing. I haven’t touched TAK in like, 2 weeks, and I’m feeling a bit frustrated.

Everything around me seems to be in chaos. There’s a lot of uneasiness going on in my house while my husband prepares for job interviews and such for the summer. He still has a year left in his college program, but he was given the chance to work for a company in the summer that would potentially hire him when he’s done his program. There’s a lot of unease about this because it’s just a 3 month position. This means in the fall he would once again be unemployed.

Honestly, I’m fine with it.

I would rather be the one to take up a second job than to have him work and go to school. It’s been difficult for him and the boys are in this stage where they love dad the most (kids, amiright?) so with his unpredictable schedule there has been a lot of backlash at home. Especially with our eldest.

Will it mean I’m tired, working two jobs? Well, yeah, probably. I’ve done it before so I’m not concerned. No matter what I’ve done, be it school or volunteering,  I have always done so while working full time in the day.

My time to focus on my needs, educational and recreational, without working will come eventually.

In the meantime, the rest of life is going well. I’m heading up the Rock and Mineral show with a friend of mine tonight. Then we’re going to go out for dinner and maybe some ice cream.

Work is a bit quiet at the time but it will surely pick up as things get moving. I need to get in touch with an academic advisor at the university that accepted me so I can make sure my plan is realistic.

For now, I’ll just focus on what’s happening at this moment instead of stressing about the future.

stress free

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 2 comments

Snow, Snow, Snow!

Here in Manitoba, Canada we laugh when Spring starts to appear. Like most places in Canada March seems to herald in a new season. Snow starts to melt, the sun shines and temperatures rise. Lots of people discard their parkas or other winter coats in favour of lighter Spring jackets and sweaters. There are even people who start wearing shorts! I know 10°C is warm, but come on!

But in Manitoba, we know better. We know this is just a ruse, a trick. It’s not actually Spring yet. We’ve gotten a dumping of snow in May for crying out loud! When I lived in Alberta, it was much the same. I haven’t lived in Saskatchewan before, but since it’s sandwiched between the two, I imagine it’s similar.

So it was no surprise when a fresh, crisp blanket of white greeted me this morning. Flakes were falling gently in the air. Ah, snow. It’s snowing again and we’re liable to get another 2-4cm today.

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My eldest son was less than impressed. He wanted the green grass and the puddles to come back. Driving to work this morning had us going through 2 intersections. Such is life here.

On a good note, do you all remember that money issue I’ve been bitching about for the last seven months? Of course you do! If there’s anything I do well, it’s complain.

Yesterday afternoon the bank called my husband to inform him that the cheque had been received. Within an hour, it was showing in our account. FINALLY! FINALLY! The money has been received. I no longer have to worry about buying groceries this weekend. I don’t have to worry about paying my mortgage. I don’t have to worry about being able to afford the new socks my kid so desperately needs.

I have been offered lots of support in terms of money to fill the gaps while we were waiting for this goddamn payout. Friends, family, friends that are basically family. While I appreciate it all, I have an extreme aversion to borrowing money. I do not like owing people money. I don’t like owing even a dollar to someone. Being indebted to someone makes me go into extreme anxiety-mode.

I’ve associated owing money to someone as basically giving that person rights  to your life. Like blood money. My rational brain thinks this thought-process is ridiculous. My irrational brain tends to be a bit louder and is like “whaaaaa? NO!”

Other good news is that we are now able to afford those tiny extras we’ve been waiting on. I can paint the office and purchase one of the last pieces of furniture. We paid off my student loan, I paid off the credit card, I repaid my in-laws (they bought us the desk for the office. I’ve been in agony ever since). My husband was able to order the new toy he wanted. Once the credit card recovers from its workout I’ll pay it off again and put the rest of  the money in savings like I planned.

Things are finally looking up. The last seven months have been hell and stress. Things have been tense and no one was happy. Now we can focus on being a family again. My husband and I can afford to go on a date. It is better now. Much better.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Frustrated Beyond Belief

If you’ve been listening to me complain for the last little bit, you know I’ve been waiting for some money to come in. My husband was supposed to get a deposit of a healthy sum as a pay-out from contributions to his pension from his last job.

We had been waiting for 6 months to find out when the funds were going to be released. All documentation told us it would take 10 weeks from the day he left the job to see the payment in his account. He filled out paper work that was supposed to allow them to direct deposit the funds into our account.

Long story short, we waiting, we contacted the numbers we were given, we tried to get a hold of someone who could just give us a general time frame because we had spent months just waiting to find out when they might possibly deposit the funds.

Finally, I could take no more. I went to my Member of Parliament. My MP here in Manitoba. This is the person who has a direct line to the Federal Government. Since I was dealing with a Federal issue, this was the person to talk to if I wanted shit done.

Within hours of contacting him via his online form on his website I had the Director of Pensions and Social Programs contacting me telling me she would look into the issue. That following Monday my husband was informed the cheques were in the mail.

The cheque for the mandatory RRSP deposit was received last week. It’s been deposited into the account and we cannot touch it. The cheque for the funds that are supposed to be deposited into our personal account have not been received. We have no idea what’s going on. We don’t know where the cheque is. We don’t know anything. Today my husband is going to call the number on the letter we received that confirmed the funds were sent out. We need to know what address it went to (it was going directly to the bank, not to our house), we need to know who it was addressed to and what the cheque number is. Then we can call the bank and hopefully get some more information on what the hell is going on.

I am so frustrated it hurts. I am down to my last $300 in my savings account. We have exhausted our line of credit. We are thisclose to being reduced to asking for help from family.

I hate borrowing money. My in-laws are amazing people and I know they wouldn’t be petty or anything about it, but there’s this piece of me that just can’t handle the fact that I am in debt to someone other than myself.

I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m stressed out. This is not helping my creativity at all.  Unless I start writing about destruction and the like.

Yeah. I could get behind that.

Cosmic powers

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Learning to Say 'No'

There are some things I have a  hard time saying no to.

There have been people in my life that I have let come back even when I should have said no. I have volunteered for tasks that are far beyond my comfort zone and my abilities but I have not said no.

Part of it is because when I feel I’m in a situation where something I enjoy or want to believe in is in jeopardy, if I don’t say yes, this thing will disappear. I had been volunteering as the secretary for the Board of Directors I sit on but then our Chair announced she was moving. No one volunteered to take her place. I started feeling like there was pressure on me. Probably of my imagination, but it felt like if I didn’t volunteer to take the place, no one would and the organization would face huge difficulties. The organization I volunteer with relies heavily on the Board for direction, approval and regular day to day things. Now I feel overwhelmed and that I’m going to drown under this pressure. I have never been the chair of a board of directors before. I have no idea what I’m doing. This whole situation feels like a mess. I can’t rally people together for a cause. I can’t spur people to action. There is so much apathy on this board of directors I don’t know what’s going to happen next.

I wish I could just run away. Seriously. I just want to run away and hide under my blankets and sleep. Maybe it’s all a dream. Or a nightmare. I’m not sure.

All I  know is that this stress is seriously wreaking havoc on my writing mojo. The Mindful Musing I wrote this morning that will publish tomorrow isn’t one of my best.

Gah. Today feels like Monday.

This sucks.

Sucks

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

2016….You're Better, Right?

Yesterday I spent some time rearranging my desk top figures. I’ve posted pictures of them before. Perhaps I shall post a picture again later. Work has been starting out relatively smooth. Nothing earth-shattering or terrible has happened.

I learned a workshop I was going to hold through work is most likely cancelled. That makes me a bit sad, but it’s okay. I haven’t truly started doing any work on it, so if it is indeed cancelled there is no time out of my life that has been spent on it.

Still haven’t written much. I’ve been watching “Making a Murderer” on Netflix (Only on episode 3. Keep your spoilers to yourself! :P) and I’ve been rewatching “Kara no Kyoukai” (The Garden of Sinners) in the anime world. Both of these shows are hour long episodes/movies. “Making a Murderer” has 10 and “Kara no Kyoukai” has 7 and I recently learned there is an 8th, which is why I’m rewatching them.

2016 has been going well. We have childcare this year when last year we were scrambling. I’m in a job I like and have been for the past four months. Just waiting on that godforsaken payout from my husband’s previous job. I miss my vehicle. I miss being able to leave my worksite at lunch (not that I ever did, but you don’t miss the option until it’s gone). My eldest son has a medical appointment this month and it’s going to be interesting trying to manage that. I can’t take him, I have no vehicle. If my husband is to take him, he has to leave the youngest in care which may end up costing us more.

We’re getting very antsy and stressed lately. My husband mentioned that he would love to just take a vacation with the kids, away from the ‘real world’ but we can’t even do that.

While the pressure mounts and is about to crush us, I am hoping that 2016 remains better than 2015. That was not the beginning of a nice year and I don’t want things to follow that pattern.

I feel as though I’m rambling and can’t gather my thoughts today so I’ll stop there. Maybe something else will come of it all later.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Christmas Party #2

Today I have a Christmas Party/Lunch that will occur where I volunteer. I sit on the Board of Directors for a Women’s Resource Centre where I live. We assist women and their children who have been subjected to family violence primarily, but there is a lot that we do. I recently became the Co-Chair for the Advocacy and Events Committee which is why you guys have been seeing so much about domestic violence lately. I don’t think this site is the right spot for those kinds of things, so I may be moving those topics to another location.

In the meantime, today is our Christmas get-together. Volunteers who help out with the Centre will also be present. They were able to schedule it during the noon hour so I could make it on my lunch. Someone who works in the same building as I do is also a Board Member so she is going to give me a ride.

I had a counselling appointment last night and it went really well. Having a third party who doesn’t know me personally and is given just a brief of my situation agree that I am not, in fact, crazy, is really nice. I see her again next week, which is also awesome. I wasn’t expecting to be able to see her the very next week. The last time I went through counselling it was weeks between sessions, so this is great. My counsellor has this comfortable feel to her; like an aunt. So far, I like it.

She also has her M.Ed in Education and Guidance Counselling! That’s the program I really wanted to take! She took it from the school I wanted to as well and without a B.Ed. The last time I looked into it it was made to seem like it would be extremely difficult to do that. Maybe she’ll be able to give me some perspective on this later.

What we did identify last night is that I am under an incredible amount of stress. I didn’t realize how much was actually impacting me until we laid it all out:

  • In the last 2 years I have:
    • Moved from one province to another
    • Had a baby
    • I am on my 4th job
    • We bought a house
    • Said house has issues that have cost a lot of money
    • I did not end up going to school like planned
    • My husband left his job and started school
    • My eldest started school
    • I recently had to deal with some unpleasantness that just pushed everything over the edge
    • We’re waiting on money that may never come
  • Yesterday my eldest son was sent to the office at school for being rude and not listening. He also hit a worker at his daycare.
  • My youngest is getting his final four teeth.

So yeah, it’s been a rough go. That’s a lot to have happen in such a short period of time. I’m stressed. My husband is stressed. My kids are stressed.

I’m hoping these appointments will give me tools to help manage this stress. Help me build an action plan so that going forward I’ll be able to handle all of this better. I can do it. I’ve got this. And I’ve got the support to go get this.

Catz

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments