suicide

1-800-273-8255 ft. Alessia Cara, Khalid by Logic

Please visit Suicide Prevention Canada if you need support.

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter
I know it I know it I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home
Ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die today
You don’t gotta die
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die
Now lemme tell you why

[Alessia Cara:]
It’s the very first breath
When your head’s been drowning underwater
And it’s the lightness in the air
When you’re there
Chest to chest with a lover
It’s holding on, though the road’s long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you’ll thank God you did

[Logic:]
I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’
I know you’re the reason I believe in life
What’s the day without a little night?
I’m just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I finally wanna be alive
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die today
I don’t wanna die
I finally wanna be alive
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die
I don’t wanna die

[Khalid:]
Pain don’t hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I’m moving ’til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don’t wanna cry
I don’t wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive
I don’t even wanna die anymore
Oh I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna
I don’t even wanna die anymore

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Thoughts on ’13 Reasons Why’

Like many, I had a hard time watching this show. I had a hard time not only because of the events that took place, but because of the events that I recalled from my own life while watching. At first, I had watched the initial episode and felt that I wouldn’t continue. Just that first episode was enough to rattle me. I spoke with a coworker who had watched the whole series and asked if he felt it was worth it to watch the whole thing, or if I would get the same effect after reading spoilers. So I read some spoilers (I read a brief breakdown of each episode) and I talked to the #BSP about it, and I determined that I should watch the whole thing. There are some things that can’t be conveyed through reading: you need to watch it to get the full impact. Not everyone can handle the full impact of this show and they shouldn’t try to handle it. I’m going to write down my thoughts on this show so if you don’t want to read spoilers then I suggest you stop now. But if you don’t mind spoilers or if you’re like me and want to read a bit before watching it anyway, continue on.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Melancholy Monday

It’s raining in Alberta today and the weather is making me melancholy.

I’m reminded of unhappy things from my past when it rains. I also like the rain when I can lock myself in my room with a book to read, or to write. Then the rain is good.

It’s sometimes a good thing to get back in this depressed state of mind when it rains because it helps the writing. Things are full of such agony when I write when it rains. People die, lives are ruined, worlds destroyed.

Many people see rainy days as things to be feared. Some studies will tell you that the suicide rate spikes when it rains. As someone who has had suicidal thoughts before, I can understand WHY it would spike on days like today when everything is gray and looks hopeless. But it was never rainy days for me.

Yes, I can get a little depressing on days like today and I usually like to watch movies that make me cry on days like today, but I never went that far on rainy days. I love the rain. I love the sound it makes on the roof, I love watching the ripples in the puddles. In the summer time, when it’s hot and it rains, I like to walk in the rain.

For me, my depression and my suicidal thoughts stemmed from other reasons and not the weather. I always found solace in the rain and maybe that comes from living in a log cabin in the woods where everything was so quiet on rainy days. The birds were still there, but quieter and the shadows of animals skittering here and there trying to find shelter from the storm was interesting to watch.

I am happy to say it’s been 5 years since I had suicidal thoughts. Those who read this might be surprised that things like that ever crossed my mind before, but when (if) I eventually post about what my childhood and early adulthood was like, you’ll understand more.

UNFORTUNATELY I have to work today. It’s sad business, working a Day Job on a day that would give birth to so many interesting things when writing. In my next story, TAK, I’ve decided to call it for sure, there are lots of sad things that could happen.

SO MANY LIVES TO RUIN!!! *insert evil laugh here*

Oh man. You better hope I never rule the world…..:P

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments