working

12 Months is a Long Time

And I’m already losing my mind about it.

For those of you who don’t know, my husband has been attending college for the last two years after releasing from the military. These last two years have been a struggle, both financially and emotionally for a variety of reasons.

Finally, it appears as though there is light at the end of the tunnel! On August 1st he starts a job with a really good company as a work experience student! Provided he passes the placement (which he should) and gets hired on in November, the company offers really good benefits, competitive wages and a whole host of other awesomeness.

Ah, now Sarah, where’s the catch? You all know me so well.

Of course, things can’t be that smooth. The major catch is that this amazing job is in another city approximately 2.5 hours away from where we currently live. This isn’t a commuting kind of deal.

He’s found a room to rent, sadly with strangers because we just couldn’t find someone through a mutual friend, and he’ll try to come home on weekends. We will not be able to relocate to this place for at least a year due to educational commitments on my end and with our son attending programs to help with his behavioural issues.

So this means, for the next 12 months (at least), I will be carrying the emotional burden of a single parent. Yes, I will be receiving his income, but all of the day-to-day duties will fall upon my shoulders.

Needless to say, my friends, I am going to be stressed to shit for the next year. I’ve already been less than sympathetic and understanding to others lately and people really shouldn’t expect that to change. Simply put: I have too much shit going on to care.

At this point, all I can do is hope that my boys are able to cope with their missing father as best as they can. That the fights, the yelling and the taunting each other diminishes at least a bit. I’ve got a lot of shows queued up on Netflix, I’ve got some video games to play and I’ve got the desk ready for my homework. I’ve got some workout exercises ready to go because I’m going to have far too much time.

Unless you’re my wife or my sister, don’t expect me to have too much time for you. The only real exception is my son’s former JK teacher.

I haven’t even been able to write on here as frequently as I wanted, although that’s a whole new ball of wax.

Who knows? Perhaps I will have more time to write on here because I’m just so goddamn efficient at getting everything else done.

I can be pretty amazing.

Just sit back, world, and watch me rock this show.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Changes Keep On Rolling

I am not a confident person.

I am constantly looking for validation for my existence: for me to be where I am. I have lived a life where my existence was not wanted by those who should want it. By those who worked to create it.

And so I was denied.

Because I lack confidence I don’t do too much to stand out. I think my loud voice and over-boisterous behaviour tries to compensate for the fact that I am small inside.

I have recently made a big change to my hair. This may seem like a small, trivial thing to some. For me, it is a big deal. It’s not complete quite yet, as there is still another colour treatment to go through, but it is still far different than anything I have done in a very, very long time. I’m talking at least a decade.

So I’m a bit nervous and excited all in one to have it done. It’s not something I can really hide, like my tattoos. It’s out there and it’s what people will recognize me by.

This proves to be an interesting time. The true challenge lies in how long I will keep it up until I just colour it back to brown and go about like I always do.

For now, I will take solace in the fact that the biggest reaction I received was the BSP saying, quite loudly mind you, “Who ARE you?!”

That’s a winning reaction 🙂

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 1 comment

Working out, nerd-style

This weekend had me a little down in the dumps. If you follow me on Twitter you may have noticed my strange narrative as I navigated the mall in my small town to buy pants.

Here’s some back story:

I wear the same two pairs of pants in rotation all the time. I will sometimes wear leggings and in the summer I have different pants and dresses I will wear. I live in Canada, where it’s freaking cold the majority of the time.

I had groceries to buy and my usual pants were both in the bin for washing.

Both. Of. Them.

Since it’s January, no matter how unseasonably warm it’s been, I needed to find another pair of pants to wear to the store. I have sweatpants but I’ve been trying really hard not to look like a bum when I go out. I more than often run into someone I know, someone I used to teach or people I work with at the store. So I didn’t want to look like a total slob.

I looked in my closet and found a pair of jeans I didn’t even know I had.

They did not fit.

I’m talking like, I couldn’t get them passed my thighs didn’t fit.

So I threw those in the ever-growing pile of clothes to be donated.

I found another pair and tried them on. Same result. Tossed.

Then I found 2 pairs of jeans my dayhome lady had given me. Now, these I could get past my thighs, but I could not do up the button.

Tossed.

Now I’m in a pickle. All I have left are dress pants.

I found a pair, put them on, and they fit just enough that I could go to the store and buy food for my family.

After I got home my husband had to take our dog to a lesson (she’s developing bad habits) and was home in time for lunch. Since I’m in a crappy mood from not fitting pants he tells me to go shopping.

So I shower, throw on a pair of leggings, and off I go!

In the end I successfully found 2 pairs of pants and quite a few shirts to make me happy. I had to call my shopping trip short because my husband texted me that he wasn’t feeling well. He ended up throwing up for the rest of the day.

But I found clothes!

Now I’m trying to kick my ass to work out more. It’s not like I am not thin, because I know I am. But I am not satisfied with the love handles and the pouch where my gut is.

Just now I downloaded two apps: Burn Your Fat With Me For Girls and 30 Day Fitness Challenge.

The first one is a fitness/dating sim type app using a character drawn in the anime style. It’s totally in English so I am excited to try this one! The other one I plan to start on Feb 1st and kick my ass. I just downloaded them so I’m not exactly sure how they’ll work. It’s a start. I also need to stop eating potato chips like Armageddon is coming but baby steps, right?

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Hello Good-Looking 2D boy! 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Bye-bye Assholes

So I’ve changed a few things on the site. Not really, but some. Just some small text that most people probably didn’t even know existed.

Since I’ve changed my hosting I haven’t been receiving any harassing comments! I don’t know if this is because these people are just tired and bored and moved on to something more exciting that tearing down my very existence, or if they just haven’t checked what I’m up to. Which is fine by me.

Things were getting pretty bad there for a bit in the Summer/Fall. I’ve been under quite a bit of stress due to school and family matters. It was nice to get a reprieve from assholes, even if it was just for a bit. Now that I’ve typed this I know they’re going to come back and harass me. Part of me wants them to. Like, fuck you, go ahead. Bring it on! But then I remember how awful I feel about myself after they do and realize how fragile I am and I don’t want them to bug me.

Stop

Like, I’m a delicate, effing flower, okay? Just stop stomping the shit out of me already! I don’t even know why you get such fun and glee out of this.

And then I’m reminded of all my failings and short-coming and it makes me go crazy!

Drastic Shift In Conversation

This weekend we’ve got an interview with a potential babysitter and I’ve got two others lined up. Because I like going out with my husband without the kids. Because I have tickets to a concert and he wants to come since my friend bailed. Because we just deserve a damn break. So I have to interview strangers. That’s what happens when you live in a small town that thinks it’s a big town and you don’t know anyone.

Hopefully it works out because BREAK TIME!

Now I’ve got to do some homework for my statistics class and try not to cry too hard because: STATS is SATAN.

via GIPHY

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

It's Not Me, It's You

Bye

I am the worst when it comes to self care. I forget about looking after my own mental health more often than not. There’s no good reason for it, other than to say that it wasn’t something I grew up witnessing. Being the eldest in a single parent household I watched my mother work herself to the bone, sometimes doing two jobs at once. In my final year of high school I worked three jobs and went to school full time. I’m even currently looking at getting a part time job so that my husband doesn’t have to work while he’s in his final year of his program.

I know I need to do better. The house can look after itself for the ten minutes it would take for me to do some lead meditation or just read a book by myself.

I downloaded the Headspace app and am encouraging a friend to do it as well. While I can’t afford to subscribe, we can still support each other and inspire each other to do the free sessions.

In the meantime, I recently deleted my Facebook account.

I’ve been on Facebook since it came out; way back when it was supposed to be used as a tool to find out who was in your classes so that you can make friends.

Why did I make this change?

I had been finding that Facebook was increasing my anxiety. I had 40 friends and I was cutting back all the time. I just found that I was obsessively checking it, borderline stalking people and then getting upset over things I was seeing.

And getting jealous.

For no reason.

As well, Facebook was just another way for people to contact me, even when I didn’t want them to. Despite having a public blog and writing on it daily there are times when I want to be able to disconnect from all the crap and just chill on my own. I was tired of the pieces of information that were not essential to my life.

While I have faced harassment through this blog I found that even more harassment was happening through my author page on Facebook. People were getting contacted and being told incorrect information in order to slander my reputation.

So now it’s done.

I’ve still got Twitter and I have this site. I still have a work-related email address that I can filter easily.

Honestly, I feel so much better now that I’ve shut Facebook down. The compulsion to sign in and look at things that don’t matter is basically gone. I sent a message to the people who matter and gave them an email address if they wanted to keep in touch. The people I didn’t message were because I already have ways to connect with them outside of Facebook.

It’s a pretty sweet feeling of release and I’ve spent a whole weekend not even worrying about it.

Yeah. This feels good!

Bye FB

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 1 comment
Am I Crazy? Maybe…

Am I Crazy? Maybe…

Keeping on with the happiness train I thought I’d talk about some good things that have happened recently.

The Husband landed a summer job that lets him work regular full time hours, Monday to Friday, at almost the same pay I’m getting! This is a huge weight off our shoulders. We can squirrel away money into our savings for when he goes back to full time school in the Fall and for other projects.

Like my next tattoo!

I go for my tattoo consultation on the 29th of June. Super excited for it! It’s just to talk about the idea and placement and such. I’ll also be putting down a deposit and making the appointment for the actual tattoo to happen.

Another great thing is I decided The Husband isn’t allowed to work when he’s in school this next year. Why is that good news, you ask? Because he’s been out of the school-game for so long it was really hard for him to be a student and work part time.

So I’m going to.

I’ve already applied to two jobs and I’m about to submit my application for a third. These are on-call, casual jobs (mostly) that would keep me employed and bring in some extra money without him having to worry about it.

This does mean that I’ll have less time to write TAK but, to be honest, I haven’t touched it in like a month anyway. Things were pretty crazy at my Day Job but it’s toning down again.

Another awesome thing is I submitted my registration request for 2 courses I need to take for the Masters program I want to get into! Once processed, this will cover 2/5 courses I need to take to be eligible for the Masters in Education in Counselling Psychology. That makes me pretty damn happy.

You might be saying: Now Sarah, taking two courses in the Fall, working three jobs (I have a side freelancing job which is good, but unreliable) and being a parent all at the same time? Are you crazy?

The simple answer?

crazy life

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments

Another Day Among the Living

I’ve been a bit radio-silent the past week. A lot of that is because I was away for work with limited access to my tablet/writing. I haven’t touched TAK in like, 2 weeks, and I’m feeling a bit frustrated.

Everything around me seems to be in chaos. There’s a lot of uneasiness going on in my house while my husband prepares for job interviews and such for the summer. He still has a year left in his college program, but he was given the chance to work for a company in the summer that would potentially hire him when he’s done his program. There’s a lot of unease about this because it’s just a 3 month position. This means in the fall he would once again be unemployed.

Honestly, I’m fine with it.

I would rather be the one to take up a second job than to have him work and go to school. It’s been difficult for him and the boys are in this stage where they love dad the most (kids, amiright?) so with his unpredictable schedule there has been a lot of backlash at home. Especially with our eldest.

Will it mean I’m tired, working two jobs? Well, yeah, probably. I’ve done it before so I’m not concerned. No matter what I’ve done, be it school or volunteering,  I have always done so while working full time in the day.

My time to focus on my needs, educational and recreational, without working will come eventually.

In the meantime, the rest of life is going well. I’m heading up the Rock and Mineral show with a friend of mine tonight. Then we’re going to go out for dinner and maybe some ice cream.

Work is a bit quiet at the time but it will surely pick up as things get moving. I need to get in touch with an academic advisor at the university that accepted me so I can make sure my plan is realistic.

For now, I’ll just focus on what’s happening at this moment instead of stressing about the future.

stress free

 

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 2 comments

Crooked Smile – The Weepies

On this day, seven years ago, I buried my grandmother. That was the last time I set foot in Ontario. I have no plans to return.

Today, I will remember my grandmother and all that she taught me. I will remember her smile and her kind voice. I will drink tea in remembrance of her, as I do every day.

This is also a beautiful song if you are feeling introspective. So listen to it. Enjoy it. Love it.

Posted by Sarah Jayne in Rantings, 0 comments